Question

It really sucks seeing how many women not only have to manage the budget alone but also their husbands spending as they don’t respect it. I’m married to one of those a “man child “ and it’s better now than it was now that I give him his share of spending $$$ in cash but it still an argument when he wants something and doesn’t have the patience to save up for it or keep his $$ money until a thing he really wants comes up as he blows it on fast food every time. Has anyone divorced or are thinking of divorce over this journey?  

Answer 1

My husband is exactly who you just described, we’ve had some real big fights about money. So in order to save my sanity, I just give him $$ in cash, but have a line item on the budget called “John” where I budget $200 a month for him—he doesn’t know what it’s for, but it covers most of his extra random crap!  

Answer 2

‍♀️ It was well before I found budget mom, but my ex was circling the drain and taking me with him. He yanked the rug out from under us again and again. Our car was repossessed when he was making the best money of his life and my mother had previously paid to catch up the payments. So often he would blow through the money in his account and then blow our bill money. It was awful. I left him in 2007. It was amazing how peaceful it became when money stopped disappearing.  

Answer 3

Consider it everyday. At one point he was so delusional about his spending he spent 400 on video game items. Not tangible games mind you, this was coins and gems and things in the game . Also, he wasnt working at the time so it was just me keeping us afloat. I kick him out. He sold a bunch on his games to come close to making it up to me. Hes slightly better now. But, sometimes now that he is working he "claims"money as a reward for working and I have to remind him of our Bill's. He gas improved though. And honestly, I like being in charge of the money.  

Comments

@galven76 it's an everyday struggle not to commit murder.  

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@winburn best comment. Ha

Answer 4

I would try counseling before divorce. You're just not on the same page but that doesn't mean you can't get on the same page.  

Answer 5

This is why I do not blend finances at all ever. He has his own account and is responsible for paying his half of everything. He has zero access to my money or the household account. He makes $. 70 an hour less than I do but gets overtime while I don't, and yet is always broke when we pay the same amount in bills.  

Comments

@wardlaw I’m not considering it tomorrow we will be consumer debt free this summer and one more child will be in school ft so with only 1 child I’d have to cover daycare if I can work in school hours I’m just considering my options

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@leija im a sahm but homeschool my kids as well and we have separate accounts but I budget everything that comes in. I run it all now but I pay all bills the min his check hits. When he gets off work on payday he goes to the store and buys his $50 worth of whatever and then pulls out $140 for gas for the next 2 weeks. I send myself from his card my allowance and the stuff for toiletries and kids things. His card stays locked unless he’s been saving for something or he’s doing his eat out dinner and I don’t have to worry because all bills are paid and mine/my kids money is on my card. We were in your shoes about 2 years ago and I told him I was done. The f with counseling. He wouldn’t do that. Told him he either gets on board or he will never see us again because I was tired of having to scrape by/go without or have to ask for help and I will not be doing it anymore. He wants to spend like he’s single then he can be single but I refuse to live this life when we have kids to provide for. It took 3 months to get it down switching things around where it worked for us and now there’s no arguing. He sees the budget every time I do it. If there’s extra I give him a bit more. I went thru this for 6 years and it was a nightmare. I refuse to live like that ever again.  

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I’m a SAHM now and my husband and I have separate finances of sorts. We each have our own bank account and access to each other’s accounts but never touch each other’s accounts without discussing. I pull money every pay day of his entire paycheck except his $200/week for himself. We never fight over money & I never stress about bills getting paid. I pay all the bills and I make sure he has enough money to survive off of (we are in separate states at the moment)

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@syneresis4 same here!  

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@reverence my husband transfers his portion to me each month by the 1st.  It works extremely well for us!  

Answer 6

Me. Among many other reasons. But finances were a big one. He’s just now getting a job after our divorce 3 years ago! Divorce is so so so hard. I would do everything possible to make the marriage work, especially if you have kids. Fight that fight because the other side of it ain’t easy either  

Comments

@adjustment dude. Omg. If kids are in the mix. Then you get step moms and just not usually a recipe for success.  

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@rhaetian oh it’s terrible. I get my kids half the tome now and have to share holidays. And my kids now have a teenage step mom that thinks she gets to make all their life choices. I preferred being in debt I think  

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@reverence Hakemack luckily she is amazing to my children. We are all better off with her IN the picture. I just pray that she learns boundaries! And I pray that she learns to avoid the same troubles I did with my ex. It’s heartbreaking watching her go through all the financial issues that I experienced with him.  

Answer 7

No. Mine was like that. I drained his account weekly so he had minimal in it. Then he learned. Can you set aside some of his money and basically build a savings for him?  

Answer 8

I couldn’t be married to someone like that honestly. Also why I agree wholeheartedly with keeping finances separate if possible. We tackle house bills together but pay off our own debts and handle our own spending money. We’re not secretive about it, he knows what goes on with my money and I know what goes on with his and we discuss any larger purchases. He works hard for his money and i work hard for mine. We have never in our 12 year relationship fought over money.  

Comments

Not am option for me. as I am a sahm and daycare for the baby and preschooler not to Mention after school Care and pa days, winter, spring and summer breaks we would be losing money by me working :/

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The only problem I can see with completely separate expenses is that I think you are still partially responsible for the other person's debt if you are married, aren't you? I could be wrong. So, if you are married to an irresponsible person and you have separate finances you may just not know what they are doing because they feel free to borrow or spend without your knowledge.  

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@leija ugh that’s tough. But your kids are so lucky to have their mama around all the time. Have you been at it a long time with the budgeting? I see a lot of posts about husbands coming around eventually. I’m sorry your husband is being difficult. ❤️

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@cambric178 yes any debts accrued once you’re married. That’s why honesty has to be a huge part of making it work.  

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Yep been at it a year but not gazelle intense because I know the pushback I get is enough as it is so we have cash flowed Reno’s and two trips.  

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@bienne535 do you make the same amount of money? Do you split shared bills 50/50 or based on % of income? What happens if during the pay period something comes up and one doesn’t have the cash?  

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@trachoma we don’t make the same amount and split bills accordingly. If something comes up we have no problem covering each other if needed.  

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@bienne535 I ask because we have been together for 8 years and have done it this way, but he has been in school almost that whole time. When he gets out he will make WAY More. We aren’t married yet and I considered combining finances when we do get married. It’s a rough choice for us.  

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@trachoma I would suggest whichever way you end up doing it that you just discuss it beforehand and are both on the same page. Have a plan. So if you want to combine discuss it and if you want to keep it separate figure out which way works best to split the bills according to the salary difference. He makes about 30k-35k more then me a year so he pays house and cars and covers food shopping, I pay all of our utilities and cellphones and stuff like that. We each pay our own gym membership, and any incidental extras. I want amazon so I pay that, he wants Netflix so he pays that. This has worked out well for us so far.  

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@bienne535 this sounds like us! And has kept us happy financially for a long long time! How do you handle the savings?  

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@trachoma our savings is both of us bc we are hoping to buy a home as soon as we can. I do have my separate emergency fund tho and he has one as well.  

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@bienne535 thanks!  

Answer 9

I'm a Health Comm Master's student, and one class I focused on "Women's Stress and the Division of Household Labor" and SPOILER ALERT: THERE IS NONE. So not only do women carry almost all the emotional/mental/physical workload of the relationship (80% EIGHTY. PERCENT.! ), but also the FINANCIAL load according to this group. Maybe that's because this is the Budget Mom group, so it's biased. I left Dave Ramsey's group, it's a little too "authoritarian" for me, but they might come at it from the other direction. ANYWAY- Yes, Man Children need to grow up. I'm saying this as a wife to one and a mother to an actual boy. lol

Comments

@coolidge yes so important to teach our sons what is right. This way the cycle stops.  

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I also want to add that my research indicates that most men are satisfied with their "contribution" to household labor when it is less than 50%, and feel this is a decent balance, despite having equal education/pay. And women are being taught to be as committed to their employment and also intensely engaged with their children. No wonder we are so tired all the time!  

Answer 10

I think about it often. In fact, he’d be gone if we didn’t have a foster child in our home. I don’t want to disrupt his little life right now.  

Answer 11

I guess you have to think about your overall vision for your life, examine your sense of self, and consider whether he could actually change. If you tell him that you think he is so selfish and childish that you are considering splitting, it might get his attention so he can start a process of improvement, but only do that if you really do mean it. Divorce can't be a threat hanging over a marriage all the time. On the other hand, if you aren't clear with him about the problems, you can't expect him to get it. Personally, that level of immaturity would be a problem for me. Now that you see it, it will be hard for you to overlook it.  

Answer 12

I’m at the point where I’m leaving him gas money and money for his liquor and that’s it ! He has one more month. I’ll handle the rest. I do everything separate but once I get to his is constant headache and confusion lol. Like whyyyy can’t you follow directions  

Answer 13

Yes and if we didn’t have kids I probable would of left but I manage to keep us going each month. I do the finances but struggle.  

Answer 14

I divorced my ex husband partly over money bc he would spend so much , we had no money for food and I just couldn’t do it. My husband now will spend money when he isn’t here (he is in the army) and swipe his card on a daily basis. It’s annoying but he never drains the account to where I’m left with nothing . As long as the bills are paid and I’m able to get groceries with no problem, I try to save what I can.  

Answer 15

Last year was a rough year financially. To sum up a long story we had a house in a different state that a family friend rented out, my husband said it was a good investment. A storm hit our house (insurance dropped up months before without letting us know) she trashed the house and let it go to crap. We couldn’t just let it go because that would hurt my husbands career so we paid a house payment for 9 months and put about $30, 000 (we didn’t have) just to get to a place where we could sell it and still have to pay $1, 000 at closing. I was resentful because I would have gotten out from under this house 8 years ago. We fight on budget now because we are trying to climb out of this crap and he wants more money but like you said it’s for fast food and crap not actually items. I thought about it a lot last year but we are so down we would end up crawling out of this debt seperatley instead of as a team.  

Answer 16

I think if you can’t get on the same page you should seek counseling. And the same page isn’t your way or his way, it’s a way you can both agree to live with. We say all the time on here that everyone’s journey is individual and everyone is so gracious to strangers embracing the difference in philosophy, but we are quick to get upset when those closest to us don’t do it “our way”. If it’s truly just money, no that isn’t a reason for divorce. But chances are you have underlying issues that are coming out in control of money (or lack of control).  

Answer 17

I’m thankful my husband is along for the ride. He sometimes complains that he needs to “ask my permission to spend” (which really isn’t the case - it’s discussing) but he doesn’t spend like crazy and we talk about the budget most of the time. We’ve screwed up majorly in the past for reasons I won’t say, but together we’re trying to get back on our feet!  

Answer 18

I think we are seeing a skewed view of the population so that it seems like this is primarily a woman's issue. I am pretty sure the word "mom" in the title here predisposes the readership to be women. I will bet there are an equal number of men who struggle with their wives.  

Comments

Yeah, I mentioned the bias in this group in my comment above. I'm sure the Dave Ramsey group is biased in the other direction. I think what is important to remember, however, is that women do manage/complete most of the "household labor, " so even though the bias may exist, it's another situation in which we are considered to be "in charge. " It's exhausting. :(

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@coolidge agree completely!  

Answer 19

I ❤ being single ! If I do ever date/marry/partner up again, this will be a key topic to determine compatibility.  

Comments

Agree!  

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@chipboard ditto! I love being single again! In charge of my own destiny with nobody bringing it down. If I ever date or marry it will be one of the first things we discuss. Credit & financial responsibility!  

Answer 20

I'm thankful for my supportive husband after reading this. I do the budget because it would drive me crazy not knowing exact amounts, so there's no point in is both putting all the mental effort in. But he fully supports whatever I do with the budget. He'll even ask before he buys anything, which I tell him he doesn't need to do, but he always does and just says "well you're the one who does the budget"

Answer 21

I’m lucky I don’t have that issue. I couldn’t stay married to someone who could act like a man child and be so selfish with finances. I couldn’t respect a man like that. The point of budgeting in my opinion is to improve your current living and in the long term!  

Answer 22

The ones whose husbands don’t act this way may not be complaining but they’re out there. I fully manage the budget of money he earns (I’m a student) but my husband is rare, in that he doesn’t like to spend money he doesn’t have. And he won’t spend on eating out and it drives me crazy because making lunches gets old. 3 meals a day out of a kitchen is a lot of work for our family. It’s a huge help when I budget because we stick to our needs and a very few wants and so I know my budget well. Money is at the root of a lot of divorces but also, men can learn. I used to carry 80% of the load of our lives but I’ve spent years of retraining and it’s maybe 60/40 now. Men can learn but it took me learning new behaviors.  

Comments

I'm a student too! YES, Meal prep is so important for me. That's literally my ENTIRE MONDAY. Meal plan and prep- because I CAN'T with making lunches everyday.  

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What are you studying and when do you graduate!? I need to meal prep-I eat healthier when I do!  

Answer 23

My friend has. She let him know. get in line or sign the papers. Haven’t heard a peep in months

Comments

@tumbrel Ortiz this is what I did.  

Answer 24

After reading this post sounds like most could be a communication issue. 2 books “4 tendencies” and 5 love languages(? ) could help.  

Comments

LL saved my marriage, Miko may save my sanity! :) :)

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@coolidge it also helped me understand my kiddos.  

Answer 25

Here is my take. I understand why a spouse would feel that way. Knowing that people work really hard for their money, they also feel they should be able to make the purchases they want. And just because they have financial difficulties, doesn’t mean they don’t feel entitled to use their money how they see fit. It isn’t so much of them feeling like being a pain or not being supportive, I think it’s more of feeling like they have nothing to show for their hard work if they are just paying off debt. My husband is supportive of my budgeting, my savings plan, and my debt payoff. But I make sure to have money that he can use to buy what he wants because he has a very stressful job with long hours. I want him to have that reward of spending his hard earned money on something he sees value in. I think couples have to view their budgets from two viewpoints. If one partner just does it how they want and hopes the other will be on board, it won’t work. You really have to make it about both and then it will be easy from there on out. These are just my opinions of course and I hope you guys are able to work everything out!  

Answer 26

Absolutely. After 5 years, sacrificing to save money, driving one car, staying at home, putting my stuff on the back burner etc while I waited for him to “grow up” and he made HUGE financial decisions without my true consent. (Brand new top of the line trucks when we were barely making bills crammed in a one bedroom apartment, leaving that apartment and buying a house we couldn’t afford and having 3k in fees go to collections. Etc etc etc) I finally had enough. Not before I was like eff this and racked up a couple grand on a credit card. Now I have someone who I’ve only been dating a couple of months but ASKS when things might affect us because my input is important. I will NEVER date or marry someone like my ex again. It really IS true the comments where guys will take advantage when you allow them to.  

Comments

@galven76 I’ve discovered it since. But thank you! ❤️

Answer 27

Many other issues led to our divorce after 29 years, but fiancés was a big part of it. He did not work the last 13 years of our marriage and continued to spend and was upset as I was funding retirement, 401s and our Roth. I was the provider and doing 98 percent of everything. So I finally had enough and asked him to leave. BEST DECISION EVER ! I make the money and now I have control over my money, spending decisions, the house, the kids etc. the best feeing thing ever.  

Answer 28

Usually there is something deeper for divorce to become an option. A lot of people don’t believe they need counseling. My husband have gone for years. Mental health is just as important as physical health and being a team with the one you chose to spend the rest of your life with is even more important.  

Answer 29

I think the number one reason for divorce is Money, not even infidelity. Just saying. It took a while when we were dating for my husband to believe I could manage the money well, but he is now in check. He actually sticks to the $200 blow money and doesn’t want any more even though we both got better jobs. If he really wants something though and asks, I usually let him get it, but that is because he doesn’t ask that often and it usually is not extravagant.  

Answer 30

I don’t bother with my husband. He pays his half of the bills so that’s all I care about at this point. But I see his spending and I’m like  He says he’d have no issue me taking over the finances but I have a feeling he’s going to hate the limits I’m going to put on him when that day comes.  

Answer 31

I don’t quite understand how you would support yourself and the kids. If you can’t work how would you survive?  

Answer 32

Although we have been together for approaching 5 years we aren't married. ssooo at first we combined our money. I was constantly asking him to stop swiping, pay attention & generally just getting the "Oh I did it again, I'll try next week" with no "trying". I had considered ending my relationship over this. he even told me I was "mismanaging the money". NOW I broke up the bills. he handles his own money & as long as he's covering HIS PORTION of Bill's I let him do what he wants with uis money. he's constantly asking me how do I always have money when he makes more tha me. I give him the side eye. when he needs to borrow I make him sign a note promising to pay me back. you can't make anyone go on a journey they not prepared for but continue to stay on YOUR OWN budget & I kinda think he's turning around. but yeah.  

Answer 33

When we were not budgeting we would run out of money I don’t know how because we both earn good money - but now we are budgeting we are prepared for the unexpected- and we give each other €100 a month each - I guess we both need to adult and budget as we had never done it before - we fill out the sheets together and he’s totally on board as he can see everything and be a part of it - try counselling first as there may be some deep rooted problem that you are probably not aware of - he could be going through a ‘mid life crisis’ even if that is a thing - best of luck to you (((hugs))) - we have a joint account and just pay for everything there - we cash envelope too

Answer 34

Oh god I love being a solo parent. It’s hard but I dont have to deal w the man-child anymore. We’ve been separated 8. 5 years now and he’s still in financial mayhem. Besides that, I wish all couples the best of luck on their financial journey, it’s HARD!  

Answer 35

My spouse is what makes me happy and the money we are trying to budget. I would never leave because he wants to spend what he earned. It may frustrate and having me ranting to my SIL but it's not that serious to me. Especially, if it's to pay off debt. Now if it's being selfish while not providing necessities that would be different.  

Answer 36

My husband used to be that way, even made purchases and hid them from me. It has taken about 8 years and lots of challenges for him to finally get on track.  

Answer 37

No. Marriage is for better or worse, til death. Finances are not an exception. Lol

Answer 38

Yup. My money is MY money. Might sound selfish but if he's not on board that's his issue.  

Answer 39

Marriage is complicated and it is rare and fortunate to exactly align on this topic. If you and your husband are like most of us than you each probably have different ideas and attachments about what money “means. ” Does that mean you should divorce because of it? Well, that depends on the marriage, only you can answer that. But I will tell you that unless you plan to build your life alone (which is perfectly fine), you’ll probably run into this problem with another person because money is a deeply personal issue. We all have our weird narratives and emotional reactions about money. One thing I will say, you can’t control another person. Period. None of us can make another person do anything. The best you can hope for is to work together sometimes. It won’t be cooperative all of the time but if you can cooperate enough, then it can work. You have to respect him too. How he spends his “allowance” or whatever you guys have agreed on is his business. It’s not fair to judge him on it. He’s your husband, he has a say too. He has a right to make choices and mistakes and his plan may not always follow your plan but he has an equal say. You both have an equal say.  

Answer 40

My current struggle is, My husband wants to spend money on bs that we dont need ASAP so he puts in on his CC and doesnt tell me until I go and look and somehow we have all this money on a CC that I didnt know about. He keeps downplaying how much is on the CC. Its frustrating.