Question

At what dollar point do you draw the line for attending a friends wedding? I would imagine a dollar point to income would make the most sense as $500 to one person could be quite pricey, but to someone else may be chump change. •She was one of my closest childhood friends. •She was a bridesmaid in my wedding 9 years ago, but since then •We have grown apart as we have gotten older, not at all in a negative way, just getting older and lives going in different directions. •She was my doula and birth photographer for my first born 5 years ago, but there as a friend more than anything. •I am not a bridesmaid in her wedding, no hard feelings on my part, just pointing that out as I don’t have that as a “need to go” factor.  

Answer 1

Wow if this person was *so* much to me - bridesmaid and doula- I would consider them an integral part of my life. I would feel compelled to be there for such a big moment in their life. If it’s a destination wedding and that’s why it’s so expensive then you can always try to celebrate with her in other ways while politely declining the invite

Comments

To answer your question, not family and not out of town I would say anything more expensive than a $50 gift is out of the question. Out of town or destination wedding would most likely be an overall no from me, since it’s inevitably going to incur a $500 minimum cost with pet sitting, flights, taking off work, gift, etc.  

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@cockayne2888 $50 as a gift for a wedding ? Your supposed to pay for your meal

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@deitz99286 it’s standard for wedding etiquette

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@deitz99286 you can look it up

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@aid39981 a destination wedding or traveling to a wedding has different etiquette. But yes your expected to do a bridal shower gift and a cash gift of value of the per plate

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I feel you give what you afford. A nice gift to start their life is appropriate just as you’re planning. The couple wants your presence not your presents.  

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@kegan this is definitely not actual wedding etiquette. As I have several very reliable and trust worthy resources who I know would agree. Why? Because as a guest you wouldn’t know how much I am paying per person on food. So that is why couples do wedding registries and let people pick from that.  

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@kegan in my area $50 would cover the cost of 2 plates easily, however I have never heard of that. I give what I can generally always afford so I’m not giving one family more than the other. $50 around here is someone your pretty close to- most give $25.  

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Covering the plate is definitely standard where I live so as a couple wedding gifts cost me $200-$300 plus shower gifts, clothing etc

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@kegan are you in NY (not upstate - long island and the boros)/NJ/CT? I'm on long island and I've found that cash in an envelope to "cover your plate" is very regional. Like some people bring an actual physical gift (like off the registry) to a wedding in other states. I'm with you - we cover the plate.  

Answer 2

If you will regret NOT going, then do what you can to make it happen. However, if you don't feel a particular connection and pressing need to go, its not worth putting your current financial and family goals in jeopardy.  

Comments

@palladic this  If you super want to go than make a plan and do your best to go. However, it’s ok to not particularly feel like going. Sometimes I feel guilty about the friendship that has grown distant, even though we were extremely close before. But it’s really ok. Life changes and you change.  

Answer 3

To stop from growing apart you have to do stuff. Only you can answer if going to the wedding is one of those things. She sounds important in your life. And the older we get the harder it is to make friends

Answer 4

This is an event I would make room in the budget to attend. You cannot replace relationships with people. I wasn’t able to go to my best friend’s wedding because I was eight months pregnant, and I still regret it 17 years later.  

Answer 5

I would just send a lovely gift with a thoughtful card.  

Answer 6

I’m spending $1000 to go to one of my absolute best friends destination weddings. It’s kind of a lot but this person has been there for me when I really needed them—for a number of years

Answer 7

We are budgeting 5k to go to a wedding. One of my husbands bestfriends. We live in California and are driving out to iowa. taking 2 weeks off of work :) making it our vacation as well. But i will say one of my VERY bestfriends and i don't often talk BUT when we do. it's like we haven't skipped a beat. So i would say budget for it she sounds like a very special person in your life.  

Answer 8

Weddings are hard and can bring out all kinds of dynamics. From what you described, she sounds like she's played a significant role in your life. But there must be reasons why you are hesitating on going. We all have different financial situations etc. I guess what I am trying to say is that if you even have to ask if you should go or not- maybe your hearts just not in it. Which is ok, life happens! Just be prepared it could bring on some seriously hurt feelings. I'm sorry! It's a rough spot to be in. You can't replace childhood friends, so if there's even a small chance that you will regret this the weekend of her wedding, I'd really consider doing what I could to make it there ❤️

Answer 9

There are times I’m in a very logical, practical place in my daily life. I almost skip out on these kind of things for all the reasons you’ve mentioned. Then somehow I get to a heart-place and I decide to go, even feeling somewhat sick over it because it doesn’t fit with my “plan”. And most all those times I have a soul-feeding, memorable, cherished experience and I remember my WHY for budgeting, my why for living. it’s for moments that are the hallmarks of my life’s journey. I could easily waste $500 on groceries in 6 months of not being focused. just a thought.  

Answer 10

I guess the question is would she appreciate your presents more or a gift more? Not going and just sending a more expensive "congrats" gift might be better.  

Comments

@braunstein0  presents=gift. Presence is being there.  

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@rhaetian I've been up since 4 am lol oopsie I'm sure you know what I mean tho! Lol

Answer 11

Honestly, if you really wanted to go you’d make it work, not trying to be harsh. BUT if money is what’s holding you back or you have a bigger goal in mind, your friend would understand not going. I attended weddings back home by myself because I didn’t have to pay for hotels and my husband had to work. So it was cheap just for me. If you can cut cost, do it if being at their wedding really means a lot to you.  

Answer 12

I feel like there is more to this than just a financial choice. It sounds like your friend has been there to celebrate and support your life choices, why are you hesitating to do the same?  

Answer 13

I would go, she has been there for you to celebrate you and you should be there to celebrate her Lower the amount you are giving her as a gift, I think you being there to support her is better than any amount you can put in an envelope

Answer 14

Does that mean it’d cost $500 to go? It sounds like y’all have been peripheral friends lately. Is it in your hometown where you no longer live? Can you make a vacation out of it? Do you have to take time off of work? Those are all the considerations I personally take into account. I had a loose friend from grad school get married over Fourth of July weekend at a super expensive resort I had treated myself to 6 months prior when I didn’t know she was getting married. 2 of our mutual friends were in the wedding. My good friend was on call that night so I wouldn’t necessarily be able to see her. I’d have to at least take a day off. And pay to fly up there. So I didn’t go because of all of those factors.