Question

Vulnerability post: Does anyone else struggle with financial envy/competition of split families? I realize that may sound like an odd question so let me give some info. My step-daughter’s mother married a man that runs his own business and makes a very large salary; she was a stay at home mom and now works as his secretary since all her kids are in school. They are constantly buying vehicles, going on vacations and it seems like endlessly spending money (all on 1 salary). Stepdaughter’s mom also talks about how they are practically debt free and are starting a new business buying Airbnb’s and flipping houses. They also just got all new really fancy furniture and new (real) hardwood floors in their $300, 000 home. We on the other hand maybe make 60K combined and are doing everything we can to pay off debts and cash flow everything we do. We have enough but of course constantly hearing about what “mom” is doing is exhausting. It’s not something we can just shut off like social media because they’re obviously in our lives forever. It doesn’t bother my husband but it drives me insane constantly seeing the money and spending and sometimes even having to tell our daughter “no” because we simply can’t afford it. Stepdaughter doesn’t tell us this information greedily/bragging, just in friendly conversation.  

Answer 1

Totally normal feeling but remember there are things that you will never know for example you don’t know how much debt they actually have so they may seem more wealthy then they actually are . Or they may buy a lot of things cause they’re filling a void . My aunt married into a wealthy family, they always got a new cars they were able to add extra land and props to their house , they get to go on fancy family reunions , my cousin got to go to fancy art college but they are miserable unhappy people . Even though they have “nice things they live paycheck to paycheck . Her mother in law is very controlling with the family Money where she fears her financial security if she ever leaves her husband , her kids are now grown and are distant , she drinks too much and the list goes on . So just remember just because someone looks like they have money doesn’t mean they don’t have debt and they stress that comes with that and it’s doesn’t mean they’re happy and secure either .  

Answer 2

I was envious of someone once, they were always buying stuff, nails, hair, LV bag. then I learned they were buried in debt and she was cheating on her husband. I learned that what's on the outside doesn't always mean it's perfect on the inside. we're all happy in our own ways so I try to be grateful for what we have worked hard for

Answer 3

Everyone has struggles. Some are financial, some are emotional, some are physical and some are mental. I bet if you knew what their struggles were, you wouldn't be envious of their finances.  

Answer 4

It’s best never to compare yourselves to others even when it looks like someone has everything count your own blessings and I’m sure there many and stay focused on your own life and grow Just from my own struggles with comparison that’s what I learned the hard way. Best of luck!  

Answer 5

My favorite quote has become my mantra - Comparison is the thief of joy. (Theodore Roosevelt)

Answer 6

I would hate this if it was me.  

Answer 7

My kid said something about a friends house. When we got in the car, i said this is just a house. But is it a home? She said something about her daddy and his wife. I said and that’s good for them.  

Answer 8

Try to use it as kind of a "goal" rather than envy. Like once you guys are debt free, you will be able to spend your money a bit differently and be on a bit of a different journey. Like fuel for your fire kind of thing

Answer 9

My ss8 will do this with things his mom or someone on that side buys him or places they take him. Then my children ask why they can’t have that or go there. It’s exhausting. I feel ya! Hang in there!  

Comments

@zumstein THIS! I think mostly I’m terrified of this for our youngest. Thankfully the age gap might help us since stepdaughter will be out of the house in about 6-7 years but I’m fearful of the day our youngest says “why can’t i do that” or “why don’t we have that. ”

Answer 10

Don’t feel that way! I always tell my friends when they get down and out. just remember people want you to see only what they want you to see. You never know the struggles behind closed doors. Just know you’re doing everything that you can and you have much more than some people ever will. That in itself is a huge blessing! ❤️ everyone around me is buying new cars now and I’m still driving my 05 Malibu butttttt the bright side is I don’t have a car payment!  I try to look at situations in that perspective.  

Answer 11

Growing up my mom and stepdad both made over 800k a year individually in very glamorous careers while my dad and his wife made a modest living. I'm sure it was very hard for them to hear about my trips to Africa and my new designer bag that was even nicer than any my stepmom had or my mom's new NYC apartment. But as the kid, that stuff meant very little to me. What mattered was the love and attention and experiences I had from my parents. And money cannot buy that. And honestly having such different experiences in both sides of my family made me a more well-rounded person because I knew what an opulent life was, but I also knew what a normal life was. Most of my private school friends have lived their lives with a weird sense of what normal is.  

Answer 12

Also to add! When I was younger my dad and mom divorced. He remarried and made good money and they had the nice house and all that jazz. My mom never remarried and worked 3 jobs just to take care of me. I had much rather stay with my mom then my dad. I was loved and cared about in the “lesser” household. The “wealthy” household took weekend trips and left me at their home alone. ‍♀️ not saying that what’s happening there but children sometimes don’t think of the material things they just want the love and attention.  

Answer 13

Envy is wasted energy and leads us to darker emotions that dont serve us. I'm a single Mum of 3 so I have my fair share of financial challenges yet I choose to have an attitude of appreciation and gratitude for what I do have in my life. That way I open up an energy to allow abundance into my life and to ficus only on my life. Comparison of others will never allow manifestation of my own desires. It will stifle its progress.  

Answer 14

I would think of it as if they actually had real money- it wouldn’t be something they’d talk about. To be clear, a $300k house isn’t really anything to brag about when you think about it- I mean, considering people with real money would think a $300k house isn’t really much of anything- it’s all relative, so don’t be hard on yourself. And, If a kid is going on vacation all the time- how much of that is really going to be a special memory?  

Comments

@gook7 we live in a very rural area, a 300k house is pretty extravagant living around here. And yes i agree our daughter often talks about being worn out of travel. Even so much that when i mention having to go to the store she is pleading to stay home because she just wants downtime.  

Answer 15

My best response to my kids when they notice income/lifestyle disparities is just a casual “oh that’s so great for them! ” After a time of saying this, I realized I actually meant it. Everyone has their struggles and lots of folx hide them so very well. I’ll take the ones I know and our journey any day. ♥️

Answer 16

That would be hard for the expectation to be that things will be split. I dont k ow how that worked I went to boarding school not because they were getting divorced for educational needs. What does the divorce decree say. I only had braces in junior high and high school. I know the thinking on that has changed. As far as gymnastics is it something she wants to do? I did gymnastics and wanted to do it. If it is something they want her to do why can't they pay for it. What about local recreational center is there a way she could do it for a less monet. Could the pay for 3 months you save for 3 months. What about if it is her birthday or holiday present? Maybe a few relatives could chip in. My friend did that for her nephews and niece. I think she paid for swimming lessons though. I know gymnastics is expensive so some of the bodysuits could be a gift? Just an idea. That way if she wants it she can still have the lessons. I hope my ideas help just trying to think outside the box. I hope these ideas don't feel like pressure.  

Answer 17

You cannot control other peoples actions, you can only control how you react to them. The situation stinks but being envious will only end up making you angry. You have to find a way to make peace with the situation because you’re only hurting yourself by feeling this way.  

Comments

Pretty much what @snatch said. Number 1 rule is don’t compare yourself. Enjoy what you have. From a child’s perspective, my step mom came from money. We enjoyed nice vacations. My mom would always comment on it. “Must be nice. ” It bothered me so bad. Made me feel guilty for something out of my control. If you let it eat at you, eventually your kiddo will see that. Not that you are saying those things, but wanted to share.  

Answer 18

I’ll split my thoughts into two streams: I by nature am NOT a jealous person, I’m a lot like my dad and we se something we go get it. I worked at delta when I was 21 to travel with my daughter and we had a blast! After nursing school I had a bit more money to play with and combined with living with mom and dad. my kid was set. My daughters dad would makes some hateful ass comments to my daughter about “how it must be nice” and was open in how our daughter was dressed and the life she lived. He didn’t see: The sacrifice of living at home, my weekends and holidays worked at both jobs, the crazy stress of not reaching my full earning potential to spend time with my kid, clearance diving, and my coupon cutting. Secondly, I want to open the conversation about women and money. I wish we were more honest in how our spouses do and will affect the trajectories of our finances and will we be ok with that? I know in my soul I couldn’t be ok with a 60k combined salary. I know love and whatnot but I know me. Will I ever want more? Will I desire a life my husband can’t give? Will his past affect my future happiness? You’re not wrong in how you feel! I’d take these feelings and channel them into your “beast mode” season of self discovery. What do you ultimately want? Outside of being a stepmom and wife what quality of life do you want? I’d seek ways to plush myself and grow out side of mirroring my life to others. Bc if it’s bothering you it matters. Curb your comments around your stepdaughter, my daughter picked up on it and it’s not cool. It just makes you look bad.  

Comments

@festive we don’t ever make comments to or around our daughter and are always encouraging or excited for her. I would love to work a career where i could make more money, but being a teacher doesn’t lend itself to that and while i could change my career my time home with my children when we aren’t in session is more important. I’m trying to take that as value instead of monetary wealth. These are good questions to consider though. Thank you.  

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@domoniquedomph so if you are a teacher is that income mostly yours? What does your husband do?  

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@festive perfectly said. Sometimes their lives aren’t as luxurious behind closed doors either.  

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@cuspid the pure irony is he as a sheriff’s deputy, makes more than I do bc I don’t work FT or OT. He just made stupid money decisions. That didn’t stop the hateful comments. ‍♀️ He then moved on to making jokes about my husbands law school and my car. He had to sell his house, his truck was repoed, and he’s behind on child support. We. will. thrive.  

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@fragonard9 Vandever Hall my husband literally made 2K less than me last year as an assets manager of a warehouse ‍♀️ he is also in a position where benefits and time off saves us way more money than a job elsewhere with a higher paycheck.  

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It’s a script I swear.  

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@domoniquedomph well that sucks dude. That doesn't seem like enough for a teacher. I know yall are not paid enough but damn. Some places are much more than that.  

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@fragonard9 Vandever Hall yeah teacher salaries can be tough

Answer 19

Do you feel this way about others who have more than you, or just your stepchild's mother?  

Comments

@oppen good question! I feel like it’s people in general that I hear or see having things that we’re working really hard toward and feel like we’re not going to ever get to (maybe that’s a saga for another day). I think i mostly think of stepdaughters family because it’s in our face day in and day out. It’s hard to escape feelings about it when you are around it constantly.  

Answer 20

We only know what we see. And what you see is them living extravagant lives. But what you don’t know. maybe they are in a lot of debt trying to keep up w the “Jones’s”. But then again, maybe they are just that wealthy. Point is, sounds like you and your husband are doing the best you can with what you have. And that is awesome! As much as we want to, we should not give our children everything they want just bc they want it and we want to give it. You give her everything she needs. and that is the most important. I’m a single mom too and my ex husband is remarried and they make pretty good money. Yes, I can get a little envious at times. But, I try to remember how far I’ve come and just stay focused on my path. ♥️

Answer 21

Honestly I would let it roll off. Money may make someone happy but it’s what’s in your heart should make you happy. Who cares if they have money like that. I can tell by what you wrote that they seem to not be grateful for anything. If shit was to hit the fan, you will prob come out on top cause they think with money not their brains.  

Answer 22

What it looks like it is from your perspective, and what it really is, only time will tell. Money doesn't buy happiness. Sometimes it's control . . or maybe it is happiness. Time will tell.  

Answer 23

That’s really hard. However it’s not always what it seems. . They could be swimming in debt.  

Answer 24

You should read the book Love Your Life, Not Theirs by @geoff Cruze. I really loved it and it helped my outlook on things. Try being happy for your daughter that she has 2 stable and loving homes and that's ALL that matters. Some kids dont even have 1 good parent and she has 4, that's awesome.  

Comments

@cuspid I asked for it for Christmas when they had the 10 dollar sale. Lol

Answer 25

In a nonfinancial comment, you will here "mom" this "mom" that because she is an important part of her life no matter the context it is with. This weekend I heard all about how my bf's daughter's mom likes and dislikes XYZ. Had a holiday dinner and had to hear all about how his ex misses XYZ of his mother's cooking. Take the emotional feelings you have out of it and you won't notice it as much.  

Comments

Yes, and the "Dad" this "Dad" that happens the other way too

Answer 26

In a related note I'm sure she goes and talks about what she does with you guys and such to her mom

Comments

When I first started with my bf his daughter would go home to her mom and talk all about me. Never in a bad way but I know it bothered her.  

Answer 27

Well. you will always here my mom this and mom that. I been in this situation and it’s not always the person is trying to catch up with the joneses. Most people work really hard to get to where they got to go and to live the life they want to live. Nobody home is perfect there’s definitely flaws in it. Some people decide to pay off debt first and then live how they want and have that mentality to not let anything stop them. Your feelings are totally valid but, I would think of it as long as her mother and step father is treating her well and providing her with an beautiful home etc. I had a step daughter and she always talked good about me and we were doing good and despite however her mother felt she knew she was working hard to have a good life for her and her daughter and vice versa w us nothing is a competition unless you make it and exhaust yourself over it.  

Answer 28

I get that is hard. Everyone else pretty much covered anything i could say, but i wanted to add that I grew up in a split home and it was really good for me to see both sides of things. The strict house and the relaxed house. The clean and the messy. The money and the poverty. It'll give her a good perspective on things.  

Answer 29

Girl yes I'm right there with you its not necessarily jealousy or even that much difference in income. Its just more they have one child to support on essentially 3 incomes. We have 3 kids on one income. Now thats not their fault or ours just the way it is. I just hate seeing my step son wearing a new pair of $100 sneakers every time I see him and always wanting the most expensive of everything while we are very frugal when it comes to our children's clothes.  

Answer 30

Someone is always going to be doing better than you, and someone is always going to be doing worse than you. That's life. It's harder when it's family and you can't escape it, for sure. I feel it with my husband's ex, and even within my own family, with my siblings. I think it's a chance for us to grow in contentment in our own hearts. Whether I'm doing well or doing poorly, I can always choose the attitude of my heart. I'm far from perfect with this, but I do know that when I'm being GRATEFUL for what is, I really don't have a lot of longing for what could be or what was. I need constant reminders, though, so thank you so much for your vulnerable post! ❤️

Answer 31

I’m in these situation! My step-sons mom and his step-dad just bought a 1. 25 million dollar house, bought a Porsche, etc. She always seems to try and show me her Louis Vitton purse, etc, which I care nothing about. We have a talk with our son about how character is always way more important than possessions. It’s hard though, for sure. I worry that someday he want care about all that when they can buy him the expensive stuff. Only time will tell. But we hope to keep him at least semi-grounded.  

Comments

@bustamante576 yes I really worry about her becoming materialistic and getting into debt because she thinks that’s how it should be. She’s 12 so I’m hoping to start training her up with budgeting soon!  

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@domoniquedomph that’s all you can do! She’s lucky to have you.  

Answer 32

I’m sorry you feel that way. It’s tough, and you are human. Just remember that money doesn’t buy happiness, but it sure does make things easier. You never know what’s really going on under the surface. Just be kind and shower your daughter with love. That’s all that matters, in the end.  

Answer 33

She is learning real life by watching different styles. Hopefully the steps are really debt free and they sound like workers. No competition although it is hard to not compare your hard work against theirs. Keep your life real and she will learn to work through difficult times.  

Answer 34

Thank you for this post. I can relate to it and have been working on all the advice in the comments. One step at a time and setting healthy boundaries have been a key to a better future for our side of the blended family. Stay strong you are not alone ❤️

Answer 35

My brother in law is kinda in this situation. His ex remarried and he is paying almost $1000 out of pocket each month to her for child support/insurance. He doesn’t make a lot and he is still struggling 4 years later. Meanwhile her life seems pretty perfect. But at the end of the day her child support will eventually come to an end and she will have to learn how to survive on her on. They also have joint custody. It’s messed up. He didn’t ask for his life to be life this but it’s just the way it is for at least 8-10 more years

Comments

It's pretty insane. There was a woman on either this group or another budgeting group saying she pays her ex 1k child support every month and they have joint custody.  

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@mede he doesn’t too. I feel bad for him. He didn’t ask for the divorce and he lost his job and makes $5 less an hour. He is working on getting his child support changed. He can’t afford to do anything with them bc of the amount of money he pays out. I know it’s like and eventually this will pass but it really sucks for him.  

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If he can't make ends meet because he's giving her 1k every month with split custody it sounds like he needs to go back to court to get everything reassessed since the new job pays significantly less. I really don't get how they add stuff up in the States but in Canada split custody = you get almost nothing if not, nothing. If your spouse is making twice as much as you are, they are going to give you whatever you may need to keep a roof on your head and feed the kids. Now if you have full custody -- that's different.  

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@mede yeah it’s south Louisiana. You can only go every 3 years to have it reassessed which he is doing as we speak. He is trying hard to find something better that will still allow him to be a parent and see his kids and not work 24/7. It’s just hard. I guess i feel like if they have joint custody then he shouldn’t have to pay so much out of pocket.  

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I agree! The system is broken in so many places and in so many ways. We have our problems in Canada for sure.  

Answer 36

I totally get it but it’s my exhusband and his new wife and me a single mom trying to make ends meet. I also had my kids solely for 10 years struggling while their dad lived in another state and maybe visited them twice a year. He refused to help and I had to fight him for child support. They were little though and don’t really remember that.  

Answer 37

Comparison is the Theif of joy. Stop comparing yourself you’re doing great. Use that as motivation to push harder if you have to.  

Answer 38

So a little bit of a different situation but my step father's business took off like crazy a few years before he left my mum. it was worth $72 million the year they got divorced. He bullied her into accepting a lump sum alimony payment of $1 million even though she was entitled to half as she'd helped him build the business. He didn't want to be audited by her lawyers and did crazy things to hide money. His business has only continued to grow. He started being abusive to my children and I and I severed all ties pretty quickly. My sister on the other hand is still involved with him regardless of how poorly he behaves towards her or her children - he bankrolls their entire life, she goes to Italy once a month and travels all over the world going to the most expensive hotels that exist. Its difficult to know that my children see the huge differences in lifestyle because mummy had the guts to say no to the abuse. That their cousins will receive hundreds of millions of dollars worth of inheritance while my children will have very modest savings for their education and cannot be whisked around the world in luxury. My husband has to work so damn hard all the time and I stay at home with our four kids so he can do the work travel he needs. Our family holidays involve driving to Vancouver Island and spending all our time playing in tide pools and staying in a tiny cabin. But you know what - if the price of constant luxury is to be verbally and physically berated, it really isn't worth it. Going to bed feeling safe at night is worth more than any amount of money there is. And my kids are actually GLAD they don't have to be subjected to the demands of a multi millionaire grandfather. they would take our safe, small and loving home any day because this is where they have peace of mind. Comparison is difficult but you never know what the price truly is behind closed doors. Take comfort in knowing what you provide is just what your daughter needs.  

Answer 39

But money isn’t everything it can’t buy love and family is love! She will see it in time when they get a little older!  

Answer 40

I think you need to stop comparing yourself to them, & what they do with their money & focus on how you are working to become debt free. If you keep comparing yourself & what they are doing you will never be happy/complete/satisfied/etc. You can have $ and still be on a budget. I would focus more on yourself, then the person next to you. Take what you hear with a grain of salt & just be happy that both sides can provide for your stepdaughter.  

Answer 41

Who knows how much money your stepdaughter will ever make? Could she afford this lifestyle she is growing accustomed to? Or is she growing entitled or dependent? Teach her responsibility, patience, acceptance, gratitude and skills. Share your budgeting journey with her. Her mother’s family is in debt. You don’t want that for her. You want to teach her to live within her means. She may appreciate what they are doing for her now, but they are setting a bad example that will lead to who knows what? Good thing she has you to be there and be reasonable. Show her how to enjoy life while living frugally. It’s like “give a man to fish and he will be fed for a day, teach him to fish and he will be fed for the rest of his life. ” Teach her to fish! That wisdom is a real transfer of wealth that you need to do for her especially since her mother is not.  

Answer 42

You have no idea what their financial situation is. Many people live so over extended that you would be floored. They may have a miserable marriage. you have no idea what the truth is. I’m skeptical of anyone that boasts about what money they have or spend. trying too hard. Role that have money typically act like they have been there before and do t shove it down others throats. A $300, 000 house isn’t rich either. They are trying to hard to make others feel bad so they are clearly overcompensating for something, Living below your means and having money for things that make you truly happy is way more important than blabbing about how rich you are and clearly they are too messed up to get that. There will always be someone more wealthy, more educated, more attractive, thinker, richer, prettier Look to what you can do to feel better about your choices and what you have. Trying to save money and being here and trying to save is admirable and when you go to retire see who has more. more family, better health and no debt or money cares. I know you know this and I get it. Both my sob lungs have very expensive homes and travel all over the world. I don’t want their stress and work life and marriages so I’m good.  

Answer 43

I wouldn’t compare what you give her to what they give her. I’d just be happy that she is experiencing different things and can see both sides of the coin. She will grow up to have some great insight even if she doesn’t realize it yet.  

Answer 44

I feel for you. On HGTV, I was seeing 20-somethings with 2 or 3 little kids buying $500, 000 houses and then completely remodeling them for another $500, 000 or my personal favorite the ones who had "no budget" and told their decorators "oh, don't worry about cost". When I saw one who had spent like $15, 000 for a MURAL in their kitchen FLOOR, I just HAD TO turn off the TV and avoid HGTV. I keep wondering what these people do to have that much money! Deal drugs? Rob banks? I live an a modest ranch style house (which I love, by the way), but DAMN those million-dollar homes can make a person green with envy!