Question

Anyone else deal with a parent that financial abuses them? My mom has been extremely codependent on my sister and I since we were teenagers. I’ve always had at least 2 jobs, even when I started working at 15 years old while in high school. I actually had to do therapy in my mid 20’s because of the way I was raised and to basically learn how to say no to my mother because of the extreme stress and anxiety she was constantly causing me. My mother would guilt us in to giving her money, even while having 3 jobs myself at one point and having my own trouble making ends meet. I finally am in a good financial spot where I am successfully paying off debt and slowly saving for a house. I love my job and have a healthy relationship with my boyfriend. My mom over the last year and a half has slowly started creeping in needing money again. When I tell my mom I can’t she says, and I quote, “Well it’s not my fault that you have debt”. I am trying to establish my life and work towards having a home and a family. It is not MY fault that my mom has always been terrible with money and works a low paying job while trying to live above her means. At this point, it seems that this trend will never end and for the first time in my life I may need to make the biggest boundary of all and stop communicating with her. She makes excuses for why her sisters cannot ever help but has no problem guilting my sister and I, and now my sister’s fiancé, into giving her money. I feel like this vent post got a little jumbled. Just looking for some support, advice, and suggestions from anyone here who has experienced this. It has been extremely stressful, my whole life, and I am now feeling at the point of a panic with anxiety because I don’t want to live like I used to because my mom made a lifetime of bad decisions, but then I also feel guilty if I don’t help her. Thank you TBM family

Answer 1

I am so sorry that you have been dealing with this for so long. Her behavior sounds like the textbook definition of narcissism (“me, me, me. you are a bad person for denying me! ”). I know how difficult (but necessary) it is to escape those types of relationships, especially since she started coercing you into things while you were still a kid (I bet if you look back even further into your childhood, you’d be able to identify even more examples of how she took advantage of your empathy). I highly recommend reestablishing a relationship with a counselor to help reinforce the communication and conflict resolution skills and boundaries that are necessary to move forward, regardless of whether you continue a relationship with her or not. I suspect that you feel guilty with either decision you make during these conversations with her. The provoked guilt when she accuses you of being “selfish” (which again, you ARE NOT SELFISH) or feeling guilty about “letting her take advantage” of you again. While, yes, avoiding giving in is the healthy choice, it’s also understandable that you repeatedly end up giving in, so please be forgiving of yourself when you struggle to maintain your boundaries. Keep striving for them, but remember that you are trying to relearn how to communicate healthily and that you have been taught to disregard your needs in favor of hers. Sorry that was such a long response, but I just wanted to say that you’re doing great and none of this is your fault. In fact, I totally agree that she is somewhat responsible for the financial difficulties that you are having both due to constantly taking advantage of you and providing a poor example of financial responsibility. You are being very mature and responsible by learning how to do better and working your butt off to do it. I just want to say good job and good luck! And we’re here for you!  

Answer 2

I’ve heard the quote, “Poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine. ” Sounds like a lot of good advice on this thread. Good luck and stay strong!  

Answer 3

Walk. away. now. I went through financial abuse at the hands of not only my mother, but 2 out of 3 of my brothers. collectively, those 2 owe me over $10K. I will never see it. my mom, bless her heart, passed in 2018. but. she stole my savings bonds before they matured, took all my paychecks in high school and spent them, literally leaving me to starve if not for my friends and conned her best friend bank teller friend to let her into my savings account (which was my escape fund) that I had been building. $600, poof, gone. even in adulthood, she did things like this. the last straw was in 05 when I lost my job, power was shut off, and I had a busted car. since I had nothing for her to take, she decided it was best to tell me she never wanted me. for your own sanity, for your peace of mind, cut. her. off. my mom not only raked me across the coals, she did it to my oldest brother too. and then he did it to me. repeatedly. it has taken me 15 years and cost me the relationships with my oldest children to get her out of my finances, among other areas of my life. so for your best interests, stop communicating with her and go back to therapy. don't let it get that far. she is going to fall, let her. not your problem, not your fault, not your bills. let. her. go.  

Answer 4

Another good read is Adult Children of Alcoholics. Apparently kids get PTSD when raised in these situations. It applies to alcoholism and ALL forms of dysfunction. Much love.  

Answer 5

Well. it is her fault that you have debt, she did not teach you how to manage finances. One answer to her request is ‘I can’t right now, I don’t have one spare dollar”. that’s true and easier to say than a direct no. She is toxic to you. do not feel guilty, build your finances. we are to honor our parents, not support their poor choices. preparing for your financial security will also prepare for hers if there comes a time when she is too old/ill to provide for her own care. She needs to take care of herself now.  

Answer 6

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Different story, but I had to cut my father out of my life. I only regret not doing it sooner. Keep strong. You deserve to be happy and financially secure. “No, I’m not giving you money. If you keep asking, I’m ending this conversation. ” “No. ” “Not gonna happen. ”

Answer 7

Some relationships are toxic and you need to probably sever ties with her unfortunately. I have a sister-in-law who uses drugs, on disability (like I am), lives with a husband who only works part time. She complains on fb that she doesn’t even have enough money to buy toilet paper, pay electric bill, etc. Unfortunately her family, especially her sister always comes to the rescue. We helped her out 1 time and made sure that my info was deleted after paying her electric bill. She has been involved in fraud so we can’t trust her. She is 1 year older than me (I’m 57) I told my husband that she needs to hit rock bottom with no one helping her before she will learn responsibility. She needs to grow up and people have to stop rescuing her. I responded on fb that her husband could get a seasonal job whenever he isn’t working. Several of her friends echoed that sentiment. Unfortunately her sister saved the day once more. She will never learn. Uses what money she gets on crack.  

Answer 8

She's wrong, it is partially her fault you have debt. Stay strong, don't cave. Make sure she doesn't leave you executive of her will, I fear her debt would transfer to you when her estate is settled years from now.  

Answer 9

HUGS HUGS HUGS!  

Answer 10

I am so sorry and sad you have to go thru this. My son in law had this too. He ended up seeing a therapist to help him cope. She helped him with what to say, how to not feel quilt, and still have a relationship with his parents

Answer 11

Tell her no, but your willing to teach her to budget what she has

Answer 12

I cut off communication with family that always call me when they need something.  

Answer 13

Stand your ground! Keep saying no! Support your family members to do the same. You can help mom out in other ways, just not with money. It is very hard to say no, but you must. You got this. Stay strong! ❤️

Answer 14

As upsetting as it is to hear that you have to go through this, it’s reassuring to hear that others have gone through similar things that I have. We could all write a book on our personal trials. Hang in there. Set realistic boundaries and try your best to stick to them. Make adjustments where and when needed. Always remember, only you truly have your own back. So always look out for yourself and your own family’s best interests. Best of luck to you ❤️ You can do this!  

Answer 15

Stop saying I can’t and start saying I won’t. Stop making it seem like circumstances are bad for you when you are doing everything right. Explain to her how you have managed your finances and tell her you will be happy to show her and then walk away. Mother or not it’s abusive. You are an adult and don’t have to explain it or take it.  

Answer 16

I’ve been through this and sometimes still am. My new response is always “every dollar is accounted for and I just don’t have any money” or “I don’t have any cash” it usually ends the request. I used to say yes all the time. I get guilt tripped so bad. I have 5 kids and own my own house, even when I was a single mom trying to keep food on the table, she would ask. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! Good luck!  

Answer 17

Sometimes the hard boundaries are the only way. It’s a difficult decision to make but once made, the relief from the constant stress is amazing. You are not alone

Answer 18

My dad did this to me for several years. I had to completely cut ties with him for a long time. It’s a terrible situation she is putting you in. Not sure if you like to read, but the book Boundaries was helpful to me during that time. Wishing you the very best and I’m so sorry she’s doing this to you. Remember- you don’t owe her anything. She is the parent and it is wrong for her to treat you this way.  

Answer 19

This is tricky because she Is your mother, and obviously you would want to help her in a true time of need. But, I think you must be strong now and keep to your financial plan and your plan for your life. Eventually, someday she may have a TRUE NEED and you won't be able to help her for yourself when there is a Real need. I wish you well, be strong. Perhaps somewhat of a break is needed for a time. Take care of yourself first!  

Answer 20

I’m gonna give you what I saw on here a few months ago “Your financial problems should not be my financial problems. ” It’s a hard one to say initially, because there’s still a pang of guilt, but it gets easier over time. But cutting off contact may be your best bet right now. You have to do this for you. May I also suggest going onto Reddit and reading the JUSTNOFAMILY subreddit. You can read past posts that are similar to yours, and there’s helpful comments you can use.  

Answer 21

I am so so sorry you have to go through this. I don’t have any advice to offer from experience, but if I were in your shoes I would have to just be blunt. When she says “it’s not my fault you’re in debt” I would say “well you’re actually part of the reason I am, how much money would I have if I didn’t support you all this time? ” And just tell her she’s living above her means and quite frankly it’s NOT your problem. In my opinion, a mother should never guilt her children into anything, ESPECIALLY financial stuff. She should’ve been an example for you growing up. Ugh this sucks for you, I really am sorry. I’m mad for you  her behavior is very dysfunctional

Answer 22

Good for you on going to therapy! My mom also has severe boundary issues. It’s so hard because it’s your mom but you’re doing the right thing. And how dare she give you a hard time about your debt when she can’t even take care of herself! My mom would do similar tactics. I know this is hard for you but stand your ground!  

Answer 23

And you respond, “well it’s not my fault you need money! ”

Answer 24

Nope nope nope. Practice saying it. Your mom is a manipulator. Set the boundary and don’t think about it. You’re doing nothing wrong.  

Answer 25

If you haven’t already, I highly recommend reading the book Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend!  

Answer 26

It’s not your fault mom that I have debt, BUT I’m not going to let you add it it!  

Answer 27

I personally tell her it's not your fault she has debt. And introduce her to TBM , you can show her the path you can't make her follow it that is on her. " If you give a man a fish you feed him today but if you teach a man to fish you will feed him a lifetime" honey you can not help or change someone that won't try and help them self or change because they want to. Good luck and keep up the good work

Answer 28

I wish you strength with your boundaries. Hardest thing ever to do. Maybe once the boundary is firmly set it will strengthen your relationship.  

Answer 29

I feel you, my mom was the same way, it is difficult but setting a hard boundary is the only way to find peace. If you don’t set a boundary she will drag you down into the madness with her.  

Answer 30

Problems she intentionally caused by her financial mismanagement is not an emergency in your house. If it was my mom I would make sure she has food to eat and that is where I would put my foot down. If she isn't close enough to invite over for dinner, I would get her market specific gift cards.  

Answer 31

My mom gambles so no gift cards. We have her make a list and buy groceries. If she needs gas I go get her car and put gas in it. Sometimes I go over when she gets her check and sit down and pay bills with her.  

Answer 32

What an awful situation! I was brought up thinking that parents should give appropriate gifts to children and children will pay it forward with their own children, And even though I say that I would not let my mother starve ( not a problem here, my parents handled money very well), I think it is an awful and inappropriate situation when you are expected to provide for your mother’s irresponsible behavior. I agree with other comments, say no, help her apply for food stamps etc and if she does not qualify, too bad. I would also speak to your sister and her fiancé if possible so you coordinate everything you do do and put up a unified front. You are doing nothing wrong by saying no. Good luck!  

Answer 33

I finally told mine in no uncertain terms that I made enough to take care of my bills only. Not enough to take care of hers too. I have no extra money, not even $5 for smokes. Spend within your budget or do with out.  

Answer 34

Think about it this way: You feel guilty but she doesn’t seem to. Why does she not feel guilty?  

Answer 35

Children are not a parents piggy bank or retirement fund. There are times my parents bailed me out of a few financial pickles in my early 20s. There’s been a few times I’ve bailed them out too. When they retire, We’ve purposely bought a house that would allow for them to live with us but they would still pay their part, minimal amounts based on their income of course. But in all these plans, never once have I ever been guilted or harassed into making these decisions. In fact they’ve felt guilty for even asking for any kind of help. Stick to your guns! She is an adult. If it was a once in a while thing, ok, but she’s treating you like you’re her own ATM! That’s not ok!  

Answer 36

We had to just draw a line in the sand and say we love you and want a relationship with you however we will no longer discuss anything financial nor will we entertain helping you financially in any way. She chose to walk away and about twice a year for about 5 years she would call and say she’d be willing to rebuild the relationship if we would be willing to help her out financially. We had to just reaffirm what we said was our boundary and now we haven’t heard from her in 4 years.  

Comments

@stere I think this was a great solution! You put up your boundaries, she chose to cut ties because of it. Something the OP should consider!  

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@narcose in the end. that’s not love.  

Answer 37

Man I feel you on so many levels, been through this over and over again ‍♀️

Answer 38

No mom, it's not my fault you can't budget your money.  

Answer 39

No. Is a complete sentence. Your mom needs to learn to take care of herself.  

Answer 40

You shouldn't feel "GUILTY" =THE FACT OF HAVING COMMITTED A SPECIFIED OR IMPLIED OFFENSE OR CRIME. If this is not the case then you should feel nothing when your Mother says or implies you have done something wrong. You are under no obligation to financially support your mother or anyone but yourself. If I were you, (which I have been in your shoes but with my father) I would block her number and tell her you will no longer be taking care of her and its time she grew up as you have. And dont look back, if she wants to change she will. Best of luck to you.  

Answer 41

Buy her a budget by paycheck workbook, offer help her set it up. If she needs help you are there for her. If she needs money, she will have to figure it out, because you are done - you are not a bank!  

Answer 42

Then It’s not your fault she needs money and can’t manage what she does have.  

Answer 43

Yes. I gave my mom my entire financial aid checks a few times to pay rent, bills, and a loan she took out to pay them (at an insane interest rate! ). She later helped me out with my daughter, while I went to school, but later (once I had my own place & was married) said she wanted to raise my daughter. I don't talk to her except when I bring my daughter to visit about once a month.  

Answer 44

Time to walk away from "mom". Its like dealing with an addict. The only way to help them is by NOT helping them. Walk away. Let them find help on their own.  

Answer 45

"No" is a complete sentence. Get yourself comfortable with using. You dont have to cry, yell, or make a fuss. Just say no or what you're tolerating will continue.  

Answer 46

This community is so amazing! I’m having a hard time getting back to everyone (my phone keeps spazzing when I try to go back to older comments). Just know I have seen your replies and thank you so so much for all the support ❤️❤️❤️

Answer 47

Easier said than done: don’t feel guilty. You are not your mothers keeper, especially when she appears to come across as unappreciative and manipulative. You have a right and privilege for and to yourself to set yourself up for success. If your mother was anyone else, ask yourself: would this toxic behavior and relationship be okay? If the answer is no, stop it. Family shouldn’t get a free pass to affect your life and mental health because “you’re family. ” Be courteous but let it go.  

Answer 48

Don’t feel guilty. it’s called boundaries. and she is crossing them. If you need to go back to the counselor to help you build those boundaries . do it. Don’t let someone ruin what you have worked for so diligently. She asks for money. suggest a second job or advancing her current job. Picking up a side job here and there. She will never learn if those around her allow her to continue using them. You can’t enable her. She might find someone else to use but don’t let it be you anymore.  

Answer 49

The word no can be used as a complete sentence. You don’t owe anyone explanations.  

Answer 50

Giving her money is enabling her. I had a similar situation. I struggled with saying no, because they're my parents and I should take care of them, right? I finally said no enough times that they stopped asking. I know they're asking other people, but it's not me and I don't care. They think I think everything is fine. My credit card debt was because they never paid my college tuition and I would just go pay with my card.  You can't take care of your family and your future if you have to bail her out of her shortcomings. You've got this. Just day no. Let her day what she wants. You know it's just to guilt you.