Question

So I bought my house and moved in at the end of November. When I did, a friend moved in as well to help with the the mortgage. Two months later, she said she needed the rent lowered. It’s to the point now where the money isn’t as beneficial as I want it to be and the stress of her in the home isn’t worth it (leaving the stove and oven on, not locking the door at night, etc). That being said I am on a saving and budgeting journey, where I’m trying to save basically as much as I possibly can. So I guess the money DOES help to a degree. When do you say the money isn’t as important as feeling comfortable in your OWN home? How long do you take the money if the source is the greatest stress in your life. Anyone ever been in a similar situation?  

Answer 1

Money is never more important than feeling comfortable in your own home.  

Answer 2

Find a new roommate. ♥️♥️♥️ I am no longer friends with a girl I lived with for 1 year. That’s all it took for our friendship to deteriorate. If you value your friendship ask her to move out. What’s the going rate for rent around you? Does that include utilities? Internet?  

Answer 3

Choose happiness. If you can do it on your own I would do that awhile. Maybe find a different room mate that you feel more comfortable with.  

Answer 4

Can you afford the mortgage without her? I've had people rent a room from me longer than they should have. I try to help people out but now my time line is 6 months MAX. If you are already having issues you may need to have a serious talk and be like we can revisit this in 2 months but something will have to change. While it may seem like a friendship ruiner to ask her to leave. It will REALLY ruin your friendship if you bite your tongue and continue to be uncomfortable. Good luck

Answer 5

Anything that causes you your peace is to expensive. Let it go.  

Comments

THIS. Love this.  

Answer 6

If you can afford the mortgage without her then she needs to go immediately. You may not save as much as quickly as you would have liked but the lower stress and peace of mind will be worth more than anything you save with her there. I had a similar situation and it was a nightmare.  

Answer 7

Do u have a written agreement? Since she asked for rent reduction, I would recommend a written rent agreement (lease). In it, you could write under what conditions she can be "evicted". It can help you if the police need to get involved.  

Comments

@hope62 Depending on the laws where she lives, that may actually make it harder to get her to leave. Where I live if there is no lease agreement and you share a kitchen you're considered roommates and there are limited laws protecting roommates, you can kick them out anytime. If the person were to be on a lease they would be considered a tenant and you would have to take them to court. The process could take months even over a year to have them evicted and if they pay their rent on time and dont cause any damage that would be impossible to do.  

Answer 8

Never! It’s your home, and if the situation doesn’t work, no amount of money will replace how you feel.  

Answer 9

Your safety is more important right now. File the papers to have her evicted. Do it properly. Have your list of reasons etc

Answer 10

If it means you don’t feel safe in your home, she shouldn’t live there. I think you should look at your budget and figure out how you can make it work by yourself for a few months. Regroup, learn your home (without a roommate), then decide if you want to take that on again.  

Answer 11

Hi! I think you need to have a sit down serious (but friendly) talk with her. Give her a chance to adjust her bad habits. Has she ever had roommates before or lived on her own? I had this learning curve with my current roommate. I bought a house and she pays me monthly to help the bills. The payment would be my first non-negotiable. If that is something that can't be resolved then she does have to go. My roommate pays me on the 1st of the month like clock-work, she values our friendship and knows that this is not even a thought to not pay. But then as far as the others (stove and locking up-funny I had the same problems) those are also non-negotiable (for my roommate is was candles lol). Give her another month to adjust to the set terms. (Not sure if you went over these before she moved in or just assumed she'd be no the same page like I did-whoops) Unless you are just completely done and have tried these conversations before. It is all a safety thing- nothing personal (as far as you have explained).  

Comments

@gonocyte12 she can’t go back up in rent, she has already expressed that. The first three months she did not pay on time. That is funny, candles is an issue here as well. All the things; dishes/trash/recycle. I feel like a mom. And it’s all increasingly gotten worse over time.  

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@bombe Then BYE for sure. Kinda sucks to do. But messing up rent that first month I would have addressed it HARD right away. She deff needs to go :( If she was paying on time and the right amount then a habit conversation might be worth it but not if the main focus of having a roommate isn't working out :( I am sorry. I love having a roommate, but you just gotta find someone respectful of you AND your house.  

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@gonocyte12 yeah never assume someone was raised the same way as you

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Yes definitely!  

Answer 12

Not for long. Peace of mind is priceless.  

Answer 13

I had a flaky roommate too And believe me , it will get worse . So choose your peace of mind first

Answer 14

I would find another roommate!  

Answer 15

I have a friend who owns her own home. We’re in our thirties. She has a ton of friends. Always has a roommate to help defer costs, I guess, but she never has friends for roommates. In fact, whomever roommates with her, is never in her circle of friends, they never have each other on social media, etc. She’s always friendly with them, but she has a detailed contract that she stands by. I guess what I’m saying is friends don’t always make the best roommates. Some cases, yes. But not always.  

Answer 16

My peace is never worth more than money!  

Answer 17

Nope. It's time for her to go. Let her know she's got a month to find a new place. You might have to evict her if she can prove she lives there and will not move. Wish her well and then get a grad student in. They pay market rate rent and are rarely home ;)

Answer 18

Get rid of her. Peace of mind is priceless.  

Answer 19

I almost ruined a friendship by being roommates. it totally wasn’t worth it.  

Answer 20

You deserve to feel comfortable in your home!  

Answer 21

I was in a similar situation last year. The person left in December and I have no regrets. The extra money I'm paying is soooooooo worth it. It's actually not as much more as I expected because the utilities went down significantly. That was one of the issues, doing laundry every day, sometimes multiple loads and during peak hours, leaving water running, having multiple appliances.  

Comments

@skippet agreed! She’s been leaving lights on all day long and I noticed a big increase in the electric bill. Not to mention, leaving the stove on all night will increase your bill.  

Answer 22

Tell her you are having a baby and you are going to have to turn the room into a nursery!  

Answer 23

I had a couple of decent roommates after I bought my house and a few bad ones. After the third bad one (second one I had to file eviction on), I decided to quit and live alone. It was worth it to me.  

Answer 24

We had a friend move in several years ago for a few months. He moved in his girlfriend for a few weeks that I didn’t get along with. It was stressful and I never wanted to be home when they were here. I would try and sit down with her and talk about your concerns. You may end up being better friends than housemates. If she ends up staying or you find another person I would suggest having a legal contract drafted and you both sign it and have it notarized. This protects both of you legally. Anytime money is involved it becomes business and should be tested as such IMO.  

Answer 25

Find another roommate.  

Answer 26

She got to go.  

Answer 27

What you charge for rent is what you charge, weather it's a friend or a stranger. It's almost like she's taking advantage of you being friends to get you to let her pay less. I'm sure if she had a stranger for a 'landlord' she wouldn't have easily request this. Also, bare in mind, is it because of Covid and the current situation? Is she working? I'd have a chat with her, and if she can't understand, then you need a new roommate.  

Answer 28

Stress and money doesn’t equal. Stress can literally make you sick and kill you. You can just have her move out and always look into a new roommate if you wanted. Peace is worth every penny.  

Answer 29

I would get a "side hustle" before I would have a roommate like that.  

Answer 30

Nope! Doesn’t work for my spouse and I. We’ve had multiple offers on “rooming with someone” since were in our 20s and we would pay 1/2 of our current rent. I said no because I love our privacy! Lol Me being comfortable in my own space is not worth the extra money. I could’ve been debt free by now, but I choose comfort/peace over stress every time.  

Answer 31

If you don’t feel comfortable in your own home, the money isn’t worth it.  

Answer 32

Ask her to move out.  

Answer 33

It seems like she’s taking advantage of your friendship by paying late and asking to reduce rent. If she was living somewhere with a legit landlord this stuff wouldn’t be allowed. Leaving the stove on can be super dangerous and candles, it’s just not good

Answer 34

If she’s not paying what was agreed upon, it’s a business deal / landlord type agreement at that point in my eyes and she needs to go. Give her 30 days notice for benefit of friendship maybe and let her go. Sanity and peace of mind at home are more beneficial. She may see your friendship as a benefit and want to take advantage of it.  

Answer 35

Is your mental health worth more than an extra couple hundred dollars? I’d say so.  

Answer 36

I was living with my sister paying like $950 a month for half maybe? I moved out in October to a place paying $1280 on my own. Peace of mind isn’t worth it. I was being treated terribly, sort of still am but at least I have my own place to be and take care of. She wanted to be catered to and forgetful and expect me to “do my part” by picking up after her and such. Again, never worth it in my opinion. Yeah I’d be saving a lot more but my mental health struggled a lot

Answer 37

Been there recently, rented out a room to 2 young ladies. It was only for a few short months, thank goodness. Never cleaned up after themselves, left lights on, etc. so relieved and happy when they moved out. I decided to take on a part-time job instead. Worked out way better.  

Answer 38

The stress is almost never worth it, especially in my own home. That is supposed to be where I can go and get away from stress, not the cause of it.  

Answer 39

The fact that she tried to renegotiate the amount she pays once there would be enough for me to say nope byeeee

Answer 40

Health before wealth. take care of yourself. You already know what you have to do. Praying you find peace in your decision.  

Answer 41

Ha! Bye sweetie! Did you forget YOU were doing HER a favor? Time to get out of my house honey.  if you want to be a landlord. Toughen up. This is a business. Get rid of her taking advatoog you butt abs get another tenet who will paying the amount you set in a rental lease. ( I tried roommates once. Never again. My spare r bis a home gym. My office is uodtsuroin the loft)

Comments

@galven76 what?  

Answer 42

Omg you all are helping me make my decision after reading these comments. I live with a roommate to save money to buy a house and it’s miserable. She’s fine leaving dishes for days and I end up cleaning it because I can’t stand the mess. I keep telling myself it is worth it to save money but my mental health is also really worth it too. Thank you for the group and for making me realize it’s ok to take longer if I’m happy in the process

Comments

Another alternative is learning how to establish expectations and healthy boundaries with people. It’s a skill that takes time to develop and she may be your opportunity to develop the skill. Find Brené browns unlocking us podcast for her boundaries help! You may learn so much! If you can affect change by communicating expectations, she may stay, save you money AND behave better!  

Answer 43

I recently quit a high paying job bc of the stress and took a huge pay cut and I was so worried about it and so many people said the anxiety and stress isn't worth the money! And I listened!  

Answer 44

The lawyer in me wants to know if you signed a lease with her? If not, you need to.  

Answer 45

I feel like your questions are leading the witness, and therefore you already know the answer.  Sounds like you need to talk to your friend and make some changes. It’ll probably be a difficult conversation, but one that needs to happen.  

Answer 46

Time for a chat. Share your concerns

Answer 47

Show her this post. The way you put it is very polite and direct. If you were telling it to me, I wouldn’t be offended.  

Answer 48

Time for her to go. Give her 1 month written notice and start putting the word out you’re looking for a new roommate. Check them out well, making sure they are a decent human and have the means to pay the full rent. And then move on.  

Answer 49

Change all door knobs and codes. Get her keys also.  

Comments

@hackberry if you change the locks why do you need her keys?  

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@indices574 just so she will know to not come back. If she keeps the key, she might think she can always sneak in to get something or for mischief. I would also get a ring doorbell.  

Answer 50

Maybe give her your expectations. Full rent, cleaning expectations, etc. if she doesn't agree and follow through then she has to go. Give her 30 days to find a new place and then be as kind and civil as you can. You can stand up for yourself and be kind at the same time. Not easy, but possible. Right now, with covid, kicking someone. out is kind of difficult.  

Answer 51

It’s more that expectations and agreements weren’t respected. This isn’t about money. She hasn’t honored her word. You are picking up her life tab. I haven’t been in this situation but honoring her word is how she keeps her relationship with you healthy. It’s her responsibility to keep her word by paying what was agreed upon. Moving forward always have a contract and written agreement to go back to and address concerns. I would immediately discuss it with her and have the goal of an agreement (even if you renegotiate her rent) but her commitment to you needs to become binding. And it’s her job to honor it. Not yours to ‘parent’ her into it. She’s the one who’s changed your relationship dynamics, not you.  

Comments

@spiegel this ⬆️⬆️. I have had multiple friends rent a room to their friends, and it never works out. The roommate always seems to end up not pulling their weight and not meeting expectations. Discuss it with her, if you want, or give her notice and find a new roommate to bring in some money. Neither will be comfortable talks with her, but you shouldn’t be uncomfortable in your own home, nor expected to carry the other person. I don’t think any amount of money is worth feeling like that.  

Answer 52

I was in a similar situation. My roommate lost her job and I tried to be understanding. While she did end up catching up on rent she was messy and I began feeling uncomfortable in my own home. She was only paying $350/mo and my health and well being were worth so much more! I evicted her. In the end she ended up stealing $150 worth of my belongings.  

Answer 53

Yes been there. Can you swing it without her? If not could you possibly rent the room out to a better tenant? Otherwise if you can make it work without then you need to. No amount of money is worth it TBH.  

Answer 54

No amount of money is worth the comfort and sanity of being at peace in your own home.  

Answer 55

All the time . your security and safety are priceless. She isn’t worth the money or stress. You got this. Take your home back  Tell her that it is not up for negotiation. She knew what she was getting into when she moved in. And you have too many safety concerns with her in the house to consider keeping her as a renter.  

Answer 56

Always need to feel comfortable in your own home. so with that being said healthy clear communication needs to happen and the option to leave if the person can not work with what you need.  

Answer 57

As soon as you ask that question is the time! If you can afford it then go for it. Your peace and comfort are priceless

Answer 58

If you’re friends and want to continue that relationship, be honest with her and let her know how you feel, it is YOUR home, set clear expectations with her, let her know it’s not personal it’s financial. If she can agree to the terms, get it all in writing, just like a legal document/lease. If she can’t agree to the terms then give her a notice and she can go. Just be respectful/honest if it’s a relationship you value it can get awkward really quick!  

Answer 59

I sacrificed my financial freedom for my sanity. Still worth it. I’m more poor. But I’m happy. Lol

Answer 60

Bye Felicia  

Answer 61

You are better off having her leave and if need get a roommate

Answer 62

The second you question it, it no longer becomes worth it.  

Answer 63

Life is too short to not be happy in your own home.  

Answer 64

I had a friend and her baby come live with me and my kids. She didn’t work, took like 3 and 4 showers a day and left all the lights in the house all day long and she was super messy. My kids and I were miserable. The money was not worth it to me, it almost cost me more having her there. I felt really bad but I had to ask her to leave. Me and my kids comfort had to come first!  

Comments

@legation Martin what is the best way to ask someone to leave?  

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@bombe I think the best thing is to just be truthful and come right out and say it. Tell her that you value the friendship and you would like to keep it that way but that you tried but the arrangement isn’t working for you and why. Give her a set date/time limit for her to find a new place and be out. You’ll feel like shit but in the end its your home and you have to feel comfortable there. If she’s your friend she will understand. I’m still friends with the girl I had to ask leave. I don’t think we would be if I had continued to let her stay when I didn’t want her there anymore. Good luck.  

Answer 65

You’ll never know someone until you live with them. I moved in with a “good” friend (1st and LAST roommate situation) and discovered how DIRTY the girl was  Figure out your next best move first and then politely ask her to leave

Answer 66

There is no amount of money in exchange for being happy and comfortable in your own home. your happiness and sanity is priceless. Plus, the hazards you are talking about. I suggest she goes before your friendship goes sour.  

Answer 67

She doesn't need to be there any more. However, after she leaves you can always find another roommate with higher rent, or at least what your friend was originally paying.  

Answer 68

I am currently in a similar situation and asking myself the SAME thing! I've asked. Can I stay for just a few months more to achieve the financial goal (of paying off BOTH credit cards by October)? Or, is it better to move to a new more expensive room rental (with my own bathroom), have more space, more privacy, female roommates (not male)? Decisions. I certainly think you could find another roommate easily who would fit your home :) and maintain your friendship if it's what you want.  

Answer 69

Is there any chance you could find another person to move in? If you can find someone who is willing/able to, then it’ll help better than having someone wasting gas/electric by learning the stove and oven on. Also the safety factor is a major deal breaker for me.  

Answer 70

Yes and when it too much to bear we had to have the leave. It was hard financially, but it had to end.  

Answer 71

Immediately! You got loan on your income. They need to go. I’m sure no security deposit was given nor utilities. Written notice from them for 39 days. You sign as well to acknowledge. That is legal. Cut that cord! Your bills will drop! You can do this! It’s YOUR house! Own it! (I’m a bit passionate on some thing)  

Answer 72

Money is never more important than your peace. I guess you need to decide which is more important. good luck and all the best to you!  

Answer 73

Time to tell them to look for another place

Answer 74

Sounds like she needs to go. Always get agreement in writing including giving a date for her to move out.  

Answer 75

Yes. I left my own place, a good job, and best friends because of all the stress. I'm now making significantly less, live with my parents again, and have no friends (moved states). Still worth my sanity.  

Answer 76

You have to be really careful in a situation like this because she has tenant rights. I would give her 2 months notice to move out. Peace of mind at home is EVERYTHING. I had a friend move in and things got difficult and I couldn't just kick her put out. Also know that some of what you can legally do maybe hampered/dictated by COVID-19 programs

Comments

@donny I was intending on giving two months notice. My question is; when you give notice. and they are here for the full two months. Do they pay for the two months?  

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@bombe yes. Honestly you should have had a lease where all of this is spelled out. For the future kniw that you can download one for free from the internet. You should do some research regarding your state law on this. But yes people can't live for free so she is expected to pay rent. The 2 months notice is a countdown clock. Also document the dates and times she has left the oven on, doors unlocked etc. It may come in handy if she tries to contest later

Answer 77

@donny is right on it. We has a lady and her daughter move in we told her it would a month to month deal. This was someone my daughter knew from her church that was homeless. The deal was for her to get a job, help me around the house because I was in alot of pain. Things got bad she only helped me with the house twice. We told her she needed to get out and she wouldn't leave. It got so bad we called the cops on her three time. They told us there was nothong they could do. We have to go thu the courts to get here out. One cop said she was a squatter and she knew how to work it and knew before she moved in.  

Answer 78

Nope. No amount of money is worth being uncomfortable in your own home. Especially with a person like that! She has no regards for your life if she is leaving the stove on and doors unlocked. That could kill you.  

Answer 79

I would rather struggle on my own than have a roommate . my mom used to say "I can be just as miserable on my own, I don't need anyone helping me".  

Comments

@kyungkyushu311 Beverlin wow I love that quote!  

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Victoria, I think it makes perfect sense!  

Answer 80

The minute I’m no longer comfortable is the minute she needs to leave! Not worth it. My house is my sanctuary and I refuse to be uncomfortable in my own home.  

Answer 81

Outline your house rules/expectations such as doors are always locked, appliances & lights turned off when not in use, rent amount to be paid in full, etc. Tell her if she cannot adhere then you’ll give her 30 days notice to move out. Best to be very clear in what you expect and then if she won’t change, -buh bye. Maybe she’ll surprise you & change her ways, - maybe she won’t. At least set expectations with her though

Answer 82

Advertise for a new roommate. Many will be looking forward to a safe place to stay during the pandemic.  

Answer 83

UPDATE: I told her and she packed up and left five minutes after our conversation ended.  

Comments

@bombe change your locks

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@bombe you got extremely lucky and dodged a bullet