Question

*Update: Thank you all for taking the time to respond and offer some valuable advice. It is so hard to see someone you love struggle, but is even harder to witness them do it over and over again without learning the lesson. My only wish moving forward is to keep learning and become financially wiser so that we don't do this to our own kids in the future. * Sending you all love and gratitude * I need some advice please. My mom has been a financial mess ever since I can remember. Long story short she stopped paying her car insurance since last September so her driver's license got suspended today and she had to turn her license plates in. She won't be able register a vehicle under her name for 135 days, but she can obtain a restricted driver's license. We have 2 cars in our house and she has asked me if she can use 1 of our cars while the issue is resolved. Her work commute is 30 mins which would transIate to a 2 hour bus ride. We truly use both of our cars as we homeschool and I'm always driving the kids to classes and activities. I also work in the evenings so my husband would have to pick me up at 10 pm or later. My husband and I have made many sacrifices to pay off our debts. Including several side hustles. Last year when my mom asked me for money to pay off her cell phone bill I said no and suggested that she should find a second job to catch up. She got supper offended and mad at me for not helping her out since she is my mother. what would you do in her current situation? Would you let her use your car until she can drive again? Would you register her vehicle under you name and bite the dust and insure it under your name as well? (In NYS both have to be under the same name) Would you let her figure it out? Culturally, I was raised to believe that I should take care of my mother no matter what, but I find my self questioning this.  

Answer 1

My favorite saying is "we lie in the bed we make". She made her own bed, time to lie down in it.  

Answer 2

Maybe the 2 hour bis ride will give her time to get her finances in order. If she is caught in your car when you willingly let her drive the car can be towed and then you'd have to pay to get it out. Forget that. Just make her grow up. I know it's hard but she put herself in this situation and she needs to bail herself out. Not have her own CHILD do it for her.  

Answer 3

No way, absolutely not.  

Answer 4

I'd she getting dementia or is she just irresponsible

Answer 5

Don’t put your finial security at stake. She has to take responsibility. She can ride the bus. Tough love but needs to be done.  

Answer 6

No, no way. don’t do it. it sucks but actions have consequences. registering it and insuring can make you liable for things you didn’t do. just my thoughts

Answer 7

This is going to sound mean, but you have to take care of your family first! She chose not to have insurance and has been driving without a license. This is dangerous. I wouldn’t register her car or put insurance on it either. If she gets in an accident you are the one responsible for it. I have been down this road. It sucks!  

Answer 8

I am sure you have heard this over and over. I would not let her use one of your cars and I would never put her car under my name or insurance. In the end, it is your decision but if it goes wrong. you and your family pay the piper. Mom will have to figure this out. she knew what the consequences were and still let it happen. Don't let her consequences be yours.  

Answer 9

I think most cultures believe we are supposed to take care of our parents. However, there is a difference between caring for an elderly parent and enabling bad behavior. If your mom had a drug problem, you wouldn’t give her money to buy drugs. Just tell her that you guys will be using both vehicles and that you will give her a ride when you can. Set up an Uber account for her and show her what to do. There, you’re taking care of mom and helping her out!  

Answer 10

It’s hard but I’d say the bus too for now

Answer 11

I say no. I know it’s hard. But when some is in a financial mess due to their own doing the best thing you can do is let them dig themselves out. Or. They will just continue to behave the same way.  

Answer 12

I agree with all that say the 2 hour bus ride may do her some good!  

Answer 13

Absolutely let her figure it out herself! I know that’s harsh to hear but unless you had a car laying around, it’s not worth changing your schedule / having that financial burden. Regardless who it is.  

Answer 14

She has to learn healthy financial habits. It’s harsh but she’ll get over it.  

Answer 15

No. Way. In. Hell.  

Answer 16

She’s a grown woman and as a mother I tech my kid that everything has a consequence whether good or bad. She knows better. Now if she has a mental problem that a different story. However, that’s not the case. She has to realized that she has a consequence with the decision that she made. You can not bail her out. It’s like feeding the homeless cat they will always come back for more and may even bring a friend or two next time

Answer 17

I've been in your shoes and I dont mean this rude at all so please don't take offense, but lending her your car will only enable her to depend on yall and other people more. Sounds like she needs a wake up call but its obvious you love and care for her. I think you should tell her no and explain you have worked hard to make ends meet and you truly need both vehicles. Good luck :)

Answer 18

She’s lucky she has the option of a bus to still get to work. A lot don’t. She should be thankful she has that saving grace to continue on with her job without a car. Not to mention, she should be able to save alot of money this route as well. 2 hours is not the end of the world. Also, I would never leave my children home alone while you were picked up from work bc she is using your car - when she has the bus option. Ask her if she thinks that’s ok!  

Answer 19

She has to learn consequences. She put herself in that position. Don’t inconvenience your family. What if there’s an emergency and you can’t do anything bc you don’t have a car. Maybe the thought of being responsible will sink in during her 2 hour commute.  

Answer 20

Nope. She dug herself in this hole she can get herself out. I’m sorry it probably put a strain on yalls relationship but her financial irresponsibility is not your problem or your headache. She can take the bus until she figure it out on her own. It’s a damn shame when your own children have to give the lesson to there parent. I’m sorry she’s putting her problems onto you.  

Answer 21

Heck no! She’s an adult, she can deal with the consequences of her decisions

Answer 22

No! She can ride the bus. Definitely don’t enable that awful behavior. She will continue to have you help her and won’t help herself in the future because she has you to run to.  

Answer 23

I love my momma and I would prob offer to take her to work, even if it means a little sacrifice on my end for 3-4 months. But I wouldn’t let me sacrifice it all. That means she might need to take the bus at night or on some days when kids have events. I wouldn’t register her car or pay off any bills right now. But you might be able to show her some love and compassion and help out time to time.  

Answer 24

I would do what I can to accommodate my mother while also helping her to become more responsible financially. I would always choose to honor my parents no matter what.  

Answer 25

No. You’ve helped jn that past and she has not changed. My mom as well decided not to pay her mortgage, while my family was living there, and we had to catch up the 6 months or be foreclosed on  I was told I would be paid back the 12k+, I have not seen that nor has she changed one bit. I even sat down with her like a child and budgeted with her and made her look at finances.  

Answer 26

I personally couldn’t picture myself not helping my mom. Maybe instead of giving her your car you could drive her? It’s honestly your choice, I’d talk with your husband and make a decision.  

Answer 27

She is a grown woman and can take the bus. I'm a 64 yo woman, I would never expect my kids to bail me out of my messes

Answer 28

She has no license or insurance. that’s a big H*** no!  

Answer 29

She put herself in that situation, not you.  

Answer 30

She wouldn’t be able to borrow anyone’s car on a suspended license, so my answer would be no. She’s an adult, knows what the consequences are of her actions, she needs to figure it out. ‍♀️

Answer 31

And when she crashes your car with no license then what? You lose. This is a lose lose situation but shes the one who put herself there. You're not entitled to pick up her pieces.  

Answer 32

Sign her up for Uber. Lack of responsibility on her part does not/can not equal hardship on your part.  

Answer 33

NOOOOOOO NOOOO NOOOOO. Her irresponsibility isn't your problem

Answer 34

I was raised the same way and always thought I would do whatever I needed to do to help my mom. That was always my plan but if I were in this situation, I would not let her use the car. It’s not fair to you or your family that she asked that knowing that she does not have license or insurance. It could cause you so much more crap down the road & look how far you have come. Just because you say no does not mean you don’t love your mom.  

Answer 35

Don't do it I lended my car to my daughter when hers was down and was without a car for 6 months and when I took it back lots of family issues. Not worth it.  

Answer 36

There's taking care of your mother and then there is putting your family out. This is a hard no for me. Life and choices have consequences. The actions taken by the state were the natural consequence of her own actions. She needs to fix this.  

Answer 37

This is so similar to my parents. I felt like I was enabling them so I finally said no the last time my dad called. Boy, was he angry. They never asked me again, though (but I recently found out they have borrowed from other people. )

Answer 38

Bus schedule. If you get involved your putting your marriage and family at risk. Mom has not learned her lesson. Rescuing her will keep on this journey. Encourage her to see counseling.  

Answer 39

I gave my mom my old car that I had for over 15 year. I paid over 20k for a used Toyota with a high interest. She paid the down payment when I was 18. I was looking forward to selling it and making at at least 1, 500 back. Instead I gave it to her. When she saw my brother struggling without a car, she lent it to him. My brother crashed it and his insurance gave him 3k. I got nothing lol. Now that I need a car, i call her anytime for a ride  and she can’t say nothing!  

Answer 40

No wayyyyy. She can Uber or use the bus. Surly they sent her bill reminders and notices before taking away the license. She should have been coming up with a plan to pay all this time. September was 6 months ago. She broke the law and was very irresponsible. That’s not on you. And it’s not your battle. Ands it’s for sure not your husbands problem.  

Answer 41

@miry6 . By letting her “borrow” your personal vehicle or choosing to register/ insure her vehicle under your name and she drives it, if she gets into an accident or has any legal issues with the car (even with a restricted license) . the insurance may not pay - the parties involved (including your mother) may be able to go after the legally registered vehicle owners (you/hubby) - sue for medical and other damages. Hope for the best . plan for the worse . I would definitely find out what the repercussions may be if I chose any of those options.  

Answer 42

No. Don’t do it.  

Answer 43

I understand feeling torn between a spiritual obligation to help my mother; a moral issue of solve your own issues and the legal aspect of you shouldn't be driving. Rule #1 even for a 16 year old just starting out is NO Driver's license or NO car insurance = NO CAR. My personal rule is to not allow ANYONE to drive my car, unless they are financially set to PAY TO REPLACE IT, should anything happen. This is not so bad a problem as it would have been 5 years ago. I would suggest that she UBER or LYFT her rides to and from work. My son is 20 years old and doesn't drive yet. He has $6000 saved up for a car from this EXCELLENT paying job but it is 3rd shift, which means NO transportation. PROBLEM SOLVED! He pays $9 one way for an Uber and he works 5-6 days a week.  

Answer 44

Hard No! Good luck momma! Uber/lift may be her go to in the mean time. Copy her some bbp pages for the month and see if it sinks in to help her get on track. I tried helping my mil a few years ago and it just got to the point where it was enabling and she continued to act irresponsibly. It should have never been my problem and I can say 100% it was a factor in the demise of my marriage. I see where he got his financial skills or lack there of.  

Answer 45

Noone's perfect but I could never have my mom catch a ride with someone else or use public transportation when she clearly has kids who can help her. I was taught to honor my parents and that is why I will always help them out no matter what. My advise is to do what you feel is right; if you choose not to help again and you can sleep fine at night, then don't help her. Best of luck.