Question

CAUTION--- THIS POST IS VERY LONG. hello TBM family, I need to drain this from someone that knows about the topic because I feel like non of my friends dont really know what budgeting, sacrifices and savings means. So before starting I am gonna talk a little bit of the background of this story lol. I am in a relationship since I was 17, now I am 20 and I started this since 2018 on October. My boyfriend is 26 years old and both of us dont have any debts and I am very blessed for that. His family is very good financially stable and he is working a full time job ( with min wage ). Today early in the morning I started watching videos about how many savings I should have and started deciding the categories (retirement, medical, increase my EF, and others), so I was telling him about what I was planing to do and started asking him what he is planning to do with the lease with his car ( he always complain about not having enough money because his dad bought hiim an expensive car and the lease every month + insurance is half of his monthly income) and he told me that it will finish next year and he still havent thought about it.  I got angry at him because he always tells me that his income is never enough (he also has his parents on financially support) and I told him he should at least think the probabilities of what to do and what can happen if he pays off everything or lease another car BUT it seems like he doesnt really care if he leases another car (even if its a bit cheaper) he still doesnt think that after leasing a cheaper car his income wont be enough for his monthly expenses .  what would you do? Does this mean he is still immature or not mature enough to think big for the future? Another thing I like to mention is that we are planing on moving together and that he doesnt have a savings account either or started a retirement account or something related about savings ! it freaks me out sometimes and he always mention that I am always about money, but i always tell him is not about the money but the future and that he should think a big picture in 20-30 years from now . I am not sure if its because of his financial background or he doesnt want to do something to himself

Answer 1

Get away from him, he will drag you down. i have experience with people like these. you will not reach financial freedom with them!  

Answer 2

Maybe set aside time to have an intentional conversation about what his goals in life are and what his plans are. Those are legitimate questions and should not cause a fight, unless he is so immature that he refuses to acknowledge the future. I would for sure not move in with someone that had different life plans/goals than me and someone I thought wasn’t Financially stable enough to build and share a household with. By 26 this man should be mature enough to have some dreams and actively be working on them. And I wish someone would’ve told 20 year old me. if for some reason he is not mature enough. you cannot change him. You can only work on yourself and tell him what you need and want. His change has to come from within himself.  

Answer 3

Ahh yikes! I definitely would wait to move in with him. Another financial guru has said to never ever lease a car! Buying one that will last is best. And you want to be with someone in the same financial path. He seems very irresponsible and uncaring toward your goals. I married someone like that and I don’t recommend it. HUGS

Answer 4

Your future will reflect who you surround yourself with. At 26 and being a fully functioning abled adult making minimum wage is not ideal if you plan on starting a family. Has he attempted to at least find a higher paying job? Does he receive benefits? I am not trying to bash him since he does have a job, I know plenty of 26 yr olds who don’t and let their girlfriends support them. If you have different life goals/financial goals you may need to work out a plan before moving in together. If he has a car payment he does carry debt.  

Answer 5

Sounds like he is not ready to be an adult, and still relies on his parents and truly is not thinking as far ahead as you are. Not being on the same page financially is hard for any couple - and you haven’t even started your life together yet. I would sit down and talk about goals and dreams and see if you have some commonality going forward. Good luck And ps-as long as he has a lease you will always be car rich and cash poor. That is not a good situation, especially on minimum wage. Hopefully his parents can bail him out of that. Until you have some serious discussions i would not even consider moving in together.  

Answer 6

For one getting mad at him is not going to make things better! I absolutely wouldn’t move in with him until you start talking about money and are on the same page for future goals. Part of it is probably his maturity. When you are use to living a certain way you don’t really think any other way of living sometimes. Communication is key in a relationship but it’s also how you communicate as well! Good luck.  

Answer 7

You said that you just started watching the videos. While I think your concerns are absolutely valid, its all very very new to him and unfair to expect an answer from him immediately. I think you should give him some time instead of making any decisions right this very minute. Bring it up again in the near future. Tell him what you’re doing and how it’s made you think about your finances and financial goals. Let him know that you’re not only looking at and considering your own goals, but that your thinking about his future and your future as a couple and how you two will be able to move forward together. He said that he hadn’t given the car question any thought. So now that you have brought it up to him, give him a little bit of time to think about it and ask again later. I would set some boundaries when it comes to the discussion of you two moving in. I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable moving in with someone in his current financial situation. Let him know that his current situation isn’t something you’re comfortable with. It’s HIS responsibility to decide what it is he wants to do knowing what your boundaries are. If he decides to not do anything to change it, then that would speak volumes to his commitment to himself, his future, and the future of the relationship. Maybe he won’t do anything, maybe he will try to change but have difficulties in not knowing how to change. If he’s trying but having difficulties, offer to help him. And I don’t mean offer to help him financially, but offer to help him find a way to change his situation. Give him suggestions, help him do research into his best options. And I don’t mean do the research for him and then tell him what to do, but do the research together to find the best option. You can offer to help him but ultimately it is up to him on what he wants to do. how he handles it will definitely give you more insight on what type of financial journey you could expect to be on with him in the future. It’s very smart of you to be so young and thinking so far into the future. Congratulations on being way ahead of the game compared to many other 20year olds.  

Answer 8

Seems like there's an issue that starts with his parents. First note of importance: His dad didn't BUY HIM A CAR if HE is making all the payments. If the car is in his father's name, leave it in his driveway and never look back.  

Comments

@dub this is exactly what I thought while reading it!  

Answer 9

It sounds like he’s never had to think like that, so he doesn’t know how. Give him time and help teach him! Show him the videos and let him be involved in the process! Definitely don’t move in together until you are on the same page, but you both need to work on that together! It’ll be uncomfortable for him, but he needs to learn, it likely won’t click for him out of the blue. Do your best to help guide him and teach him!  

Answer 10

I would be cautious about moving in together. Perhaps have some parameters in place if you proceed to move in together. Have everything spelled out beforehand, who pays what, what happens if one doesn’t have the money, what are expectations for vacations, etc. Also, don’t have the place put in your name. I would start with a conversation like “before we move in together, I think we should talk about what our future looks like to you and me”. I wouldn’t get upset with him but based on how he responds, you’ll have to make your own decision for your future. If he doesn’t change at all, are you going to be ok with that in 1, 2, 5, 10 years.  

Answer 11

Firstly, I think anyone saying you should automatically leave him is definitely jumping the gun here. None of us know him and we really can’t tell you why you should/shouldn’t be with someone. I didn’t really start to learn about finances/saving money/credit until I was about 25. I’m 28 now. Many of us are having to learn these lessons later in life. My husband isn’t always on board and doesn’t always understand, but he does try and will let me take the reigns from time to time. It’s definitely a work in progress. I say don’t move in together just yet. Have a few more conversations about this. Give him a chance. If he doesn’t take anything seriously and doesn’t try, then you know that you may not be able to build a future with him.  

Comments

@moreau thanks ! Well I don’t want to really push him but I think I’m pushing him now to do it and I guess step by step will become success . I guess I have to be more patient  . I don’t really care if he saves or not but if I want to be with him of course I do , I don’t want to live with him and asking money to his parents !  

Answer 12

If this is the first serious conversation you've had with him about finances, then that's a great start. financial responsibility doesn't happen overnight, and he's not too old to learn. I would highly recommend taking some sort of personal finance class together, like maybe the Dave Ramsey total money makeover. you don't know what you don't know, and if he's never had a reason to learn about building wealth or being careful about spending, then of course he wouldn't know how to do it. You've been together for 3 years already, so there's clearly something there that's working. Give him a chance to learn before jumping to conclusions. A personal finance class is a really great motivator. They will show you how putting in a little money now will make you a lot of money in the future. Maybe that would get him interested.