Question

I'm overwhelmed.  I know we need to get things under control.I'm overwhelmed. I know we need to get things under control. I am the spender and my husband the saver. It's the only thing we fight about but they are nasty fights. I cant figure out WHY I should give a rat's ass. Sorry I know in the logical side but the other part just needs a good slap. Anybody else struggle with this? Howd u find ur why? What is your reason?  

Answer 1

For the sake of giving you your desired (respectful) slap: because it's not only selfish and immature to spend while your husband tries to save, but it's an act of RESPECT to give a darn about things your husband cares about. He cares about your financial security. You should too. My reason is because I like the security of being prepared when disaster strikes. Had I NOT had several months of living expenses in the bank when this shutdown occurred, we would NOT have been able to pay our bills. The impulse purchases that we don't NEED are not important in the long run.  

Comments

@bergquist food point He does take care of everything and I'm very katawonka about it. I do need to respect him more

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@bergquist I love a good ‘ole respectful slap  lol. (I’ll take that one for myself as a reminder when I’m tempted to spend, ty)

Answer 2

My grandparents lived to their mid-90’s and were super healthy but needed assisted living in their later years. It cost $5, 000 A MONTH but was a beautiful wonderful place. Since then my goal is to live my later years in peace and not in some trashy place with poor care.  

Comments

@maxinemaxiskirt634 very good point thank u

Answer 3

In what ways are you the spender? How do you feel about letting him take over the finances? Does he expect you to do the finances and then get mad about them?  

Comments

@sendal I spend on myself our home the 4 kids. He takes care of paying all the bills

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Do you find that you shop out of boredom? Stress? Impulse? One thing that helps me when I am window shopping and things happen to fall into my cart, is right before checking out I take stock and think of whether or not I really need it or what I could pay off/save for instead. Other techniques might be to not put anything in the cart until you are ready to leave. If you forget about it you didn't really want or need it. If you are like screw it I'm not walking back there it also wasn't a need or want. What stores trigger you? TJ Maxx, Ulta, Target, etc? If they trigger you don't go in, just like an alcoholic will avoid outtings with friends to the bar. I also purchased one of those click counters and when I put something in my cart I click the price in so I can keep a tally while I am shopping. There are so many times I go over budget out of embarrasment, I don't want to change my mind in front of the cashier.  

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@sendal I am for sure a stress shopper or when I'm mad upset really anything. Tj maxx and all the craft stores. Great ideas THANK YOU

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I put myself on punishment for those places.  

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I struggled with the TJ Maxx/Homegoods stores bc I knew if I didn't buy the thing then it would be impossible to find next time. If I really wanted it I would take a pic and ask the cashier to hold it for me until close on the next day. I would ask husband for his opinion on the thing, and if I was still thinking about it, and got the go ahead I would go back and get it. (NOTE: We usually run anything over $30 by each other just as a respect thing. We have mostly similar taste in decor but we have each liked a thing the other thought was hideous lol. He likes to come at me with logical questions like "Where you gonna put that? How big is it? Do we really need a fleece blanket in the summer in Texas? "  

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@laryngeal626 you do if you aint cheap on the ac sir!  

Answer 4

We both always spent on frivolous things. We weren't putting any money into savings and I realized we need to be able to have a savings for emergencies. We have some savings and we never "want" for anything small or spur of the moment but we never added to our savings. That became my why. Its still hard as we just started but seeing the car loan go down and putting more to it each month feels good.  

Comments

@insociable I put 200 every pay period on savings but spend way too much! On everything. And we have to much debt not enough savings :(

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For me what helped was using the every dollar app. It's easier then writing everything down. We primarily use our debit or credit cards on everything and little cash. When I started in February I did the previous month and categorized everything we spent. When you see how much your actually spending on specific categories it might help and be an eye opener.  

Answer 5

Agree on a monthly personal amount for you to spend. Compromise and communication is so important. Money is the biggest thing couples fight about.  

Comments

@strew4 yes we need to communicate better and I need to stick with what we agree. I hate admitting it but I'm distracted easily

Answer 6

This. This is my struggle.  

Comments

@uppercut preach

Answer 7

As someone who retired at 56 look at the bigger picture. What do you want later in life vs what you think you need right now. Two years before I retired I knew I wanted to retire at 56 and Target wasn’t going to give a rat’s a—- about my future. So, I let Target go so I could have that retirement. Now, I bet I shop at Target maybe only once a year. Lol

Comments

@latish4 good for u and thank u. Honestly I have a hard time with 2 yr plans I cant imagine retirement yet

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@expressway you’ll get there. My why didn’t hit me till I was about 45. Lol

Answer 8

Your husband should be your why. He is being a great husband to afford you the luxury of financial well-being. He is taking care of you. My” respectable” slap for you is to match his intent for you. You can start sinking funds and hopefully eliminate your need for immediate gratification. There are so many posts on husbands not being on board so maybe read those posts and know what a gem of a man you have. Lean on this group when you need “your slap in the face” but also let us know of your little triumphs. Even going for one day with out spending is a win. We are your cheerleaders. We are here for the bad, the ugly, the ok and the great days.  

Comments

@tragedian13792 yes he is a good man in sooo many ways great advice thank u

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@expressway and don’t be so hard on yourself. This journey is a lifestyle change. Take things one day at a time, but making a concerted effort to do better because now you know better. I look forward to your success stories  

Answer 9

Track your triggers, then slowly remove them to reduce your spending

Comments

@hypoacidity1886 wow this is great advice.  

Answer 10

I like to stock pile the cash and count it, money just feels good in my hands, it’s harder to let go, we all can do with less things in our lives, work on building together with your husband

Comments

@asti87 me too! It's like "play" money but **** I work hard for it!  

Answer 11

I've always had the "I'll just make more money" mentality. But it's becoming a problem because my mentality is keeping me from realizing many of my/my husband's other dreams and goals. My problem is not just spending, but also a tremendous lack of time. I've just buried my head in the sand because I don't have the time to deal with the finances. Covid has given me time at home to be able to sort through all of our finances and I am actually excited to be on a path!  

Comments

@theatheaceous yES THIS!  

Answer 12

Can I just say good for you for admitting you're on the other side and acknowledging your husband's efforts. That puts you in a vulnerable position admitting that you are the spender but also let's people embrace you with ways that have helped them get to where they're at now and help you get there too! Good luck and I hope you and your husband can be on the same page in the same book sooner than later! Best of luck to you both and trust me, he will truly appreciate you being a help in going in the same direction as him instead of pushing and making him work harder. ❤️

Answer 13

It's hard . But hey your here in the group . So that's a great start ! Wouldn't you rather have like great vacations and have a great home instead of just buying random stuff

Comments

@dextroamphetamine45 I guess I feel like we are in deep what's the point?  

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Because you CAN dig yourself out.  

Answer 14

What motivates you in other areas of your life?  

Comments

@septempartite my kids, husband.  

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Amanda, there is a quote that says we become motivated when the pain of not doing something becomes greater than the pain of doing. So in this situation maybe you could take sometime to think about how bad would your financial situation need to get before you felt motivated to change it? Maybe think how could my not acting hurt my kids or my husband? Or how bad could I let it go before i have to act? Maybe thinking about those things will help you feel more excited about meeting your financial goals. :)

Answer 15

Motivation is about either avoiding something (or avoiding losing it), or about gaining something. Figure out which one motivates you more and you'll have an easier time zeroing in on the best motivation for you. Really respect your honest self-analysis. Strong approach. We all have financial weaknesses, all of us.  

Answer 16

Financial freedom and the ability to work less if I want. Right now. I don’t have a choice. And I hate that.  

Answer 17

Unsubscribe from allllll the store emails, stay out of the stores, don't browse the sites, and if FB/Insta etc ads trigger you, limit that too. So you're having trouble finding a why? Maybe family vacations, saving for college, a nice and timely retirement, hmmm, what else is good? A home renovation, maybe eventually a new home. A boat? a motorcycle? More date nights? Peace of mind for anything life throws, injury, death, sick parent, global pandemic. If there's no why maybe there's too much money and no spending adjustment needed, lol

Answer 18

When I Started to equate what we made per hour to what we spent I really started to care. If what comes in does not cover what goes out and savings then we are just treading water and will drown. Once we both were on the same page our goals aligned. We can now afford what seemed important then, but it is no longer a need or important now. We are both much happier and do not feel restricted by finances.  

Answer 19

I’ve been selling off stuff we don’t use. I have 5 spoiled kids plus an excessive use hubby and of course myself. I’ve sold off $3k worth of stuff in 2 weeks. I think that’s been an eye opener. All but 900 is unused crap. And there’s plenty more too. 900 was my husb gun and my watch. Loved, but not needed.  

Answer 20

My why is to not be reliant on an employer. I luckily still have a job during this pandemic, but I want to get to the point where it doesn’t matter. Where I can leave a job when it’s no longer working and take my time finding another. Where I have the time to spend money on the things that actually matter to me (mainly travel). Being debt free and having excess income above your expenses puts you in such a powerful place where you really have control over your own life.  

Answer 21

Give yourself an allowance each pay cycle. Once that money is gone, thats it until the next cycle.  

Answer 22

I'm struggling with spending too. I don't spend that damn much. But sometimes I get the urge. These days it's my gardening budget. I was over it already but yesterday I had the opportunity to visit a gardener, which I normally won't get to. So I spend a little extra on plants. But useful plants like herbs and so. I will harvest and use them later this year. The same with fabric. I'm sewing most of my clothes and it is denn hard to resist. I usually leave the tab open in the browser and let it there for a few days. It mostly helps. But it's hard I have an allowance which is not so high. So that's even harder. But it gets better with time and tracking

Answer 23

You say you fight all the time over money and in the next sentence you say you don’t know why you should care about money? You answered your own question- you need a healthier relationship with money so your relationship with your husband can improve. Sometimes I don’t buy things because it would cause a fight with my husband. That doesn’t upset me- anything I truly want I can have. But I don’t need to run us into the ground to fund my whims and he isn’t wrong for wanting to stop my destructive urge.  

Comments

@holcomb very valid points. I want for no needs I just like to have nice things tha k u

Answer 24

Have you read Better than Before by Gretchen Rubin? She also has a quiz on her website about how how people can change their habits. She writes that people fall into about 4 categories, based on how they react to inner and outer expectations. That might help!  

Comments

@legate4628 I will def read this thank u!  

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@expressway It's helped me stop feeling guilty and fighting myself and just work with who I am!  

Answer 25

In my opinion, if you have debt then you are poor and should live like it. Nothing is yours until it’s paid off and can be taken away.  

Comments

@synonymous734 hmmm. never considered that very good point thank u

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This is the best time to really think why. Look at the people who can’t work right now. Losing homes and businesses. Losing everything. I’m assuming you guys haven’t lost your income if you’re asking this question. However- what if you also lost your income and because you don’t have savings- you were to lose your home- and that would really turn your entire world upside down. And your kids. Everything.  

Answer 26

I am an impulsive buyer. I love buying things that make our lives more convenient. At first it’s an argument with my husband because I bought the item, then months later he’s happy because I bought it and he loves it. ‍♀️‍♀️

Answer 27

Why? Because you will end up divorced and trying to provide for your children with bad spending habits. Everytime you want to spend try and set that money aside for a goal with your family. Why? Teaching your kids strong money management skills. Learning to live on what we make and not rely on debt is HUGE! Give yourselves and allowance and once the money is gone it's gone.  

Comments

@pianist6368 thank u valid points!  

Answer 28

I do it for my future and my child's future. I think about all the excuses my parents made for not "being able to save" for college. New cars, new furniture, new house, name brand cloths. And what good did any of that do for me? I don't want that for my kid, I want to be a good role model. I want to be able to provide him experiences that will enrich his life, not new shoes that he wears for a month and grows out of. Also, my parents STILL haven't figured out how to manage money and they're counting on inheritance for their retirement.  Which means they'll probably be eating Alpo stew in their only age. not what I want for my life. Nor do I want my child worrying about mom and dad not being able to afford their medicine.  

Comments

@stidham  

Answer 29

Do you know what bills he is paying for the FAMILY? How much is coming in? What your spending is compared to (as a %) to overall money going out?  I try to compare cost with how many days I have to work to buy it. Puts things in perspective for me.  IMO you need perspective . . soft slap  We all all here. Thanks for opening up!  

Comments

@schumer44 thanks for the soft slap lol I need it

Answer 30

My WHY is because being debt free before 32 would allow me to really and truly save for things that are important to me, places I want to travel, experiences I want to share with my friends/family, as well as continuing to invest in my (and my husbands) retirement! I love the idea of paying for things in cash! And my bonus child asked me to help her budget tonight so she could know how much she needs to have to move out. my heart LIT UP! Not because she’s moving out - LOL - but because I get to share something I am so nerdy passionate about with her!  

Comments

@zane9 awww. love this! Thank u

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@zane9 Chris and I still need to sit down with you  

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Yes! Anytime!  

Answer 31

I am a spender I am a instant gratification person. My hubs will save. He does the long term the retirement, vacations ect ect. We get personal money i spend mine on sodas and fast food and have no shame about that. Hubs saves his. He says he will go on a cruise with friend one day when he gets it all added up. We spend a lot on groceries its an area that just costs with formula, diapers, wipes. food oh and well costco actually breaks the budget. I forget to track as I walk through. I have been budgeting for about a year now. It took us a while to get within our means. We budget 70 to 80% of our money for what we need to live and the rest on savings goals and debt.  

Answer 32

Me. That is me. I need to figure out my compulsion. The difference this time around (my husband has been trying for years to get me on board) is that I took the initiative on it this time around.  

Answer 33

For me, I needed a real motivation to be doing this. My motivation is that I want to relocate. So in order to do that, I have to pay off all the debt and get a big savings account. Try to find something to motivate you. Maybe a large vacation? Idk. Maybe there is something that you want but find to be unreachable. I also find it extremely motivating to know when the debt will be paid off. There is a website that will put your debt into a chart and do a debt reduction calculator and tell you the exact month you will have things paid off based on how much you pay.