Question

Need suggestions to set boundaries for my four year old. He is smart and all but very hyper and uses bad words in drop of hat. He is obsessed with iPad and phone he wants to download the games like crazy. He is not patient to complete one level, he just wants to keep buying in iTunes. How do I calm him down? Sometimes he is nice and sometimes he doesn't listen at all

Answer 1

Take away the ipad and phone. completely. He’s 4. If he is to the point that he is obsessed at 4 then he has been allowed it WAY too often. Time to reboot. Sometimes parenthood sucks and it’s real easy to shove a phone or an ipad at them for some sanity but it is PROVEN that it has consequences for their mental health and meltdowns when you take it away is the first sign.  

Comments

@freeman75637 I agree 100%. He is too young. There is a real thing called screen addiction. I had 4 former students hospitalized for it last year Alone. Too much screen causes unsocial behavior, tantrums, and they see and hear things they are not ready for.  

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@isotonic6 agreed. I hear people say 30 min a day for that age and that still blows my mind. 30 min on a screen for a 4/5 yr old EVERY DAY is a LONG time. ‍♀️ 3. 5 HOURS a week. 14 HOURS a month. TOO DAMN MUCH.  

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@freeman75637 trust me. I was a teacher. NO child needs to be entertained 24/7. These kids have NO imagination. I have a nephew with autism who becomes unbelievable when he has to put his iPad down ( when he was 3 it was moms phone) He’s got serious issues now.  

Answer 2

1. Change the ITunes password and stay logged out. 2. Limit screen time 3. No means no, the first time you say it. Follow through on EVERY SINGLE warning.  

Answer 3

Yes, out of sight out of mind! It will be a rough few days and then his new normal will be no screens.  

Answer 4

Take the iPad away period. He’s obviously not mature enough to have the privilege of using it.  

Comments

Agree, this ^^^ No child NEEDS an electronic especially at 4yrs old

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@isotonic6 Hargarten Zander also, it's not the best for brain development at that age. I have an almost 4 year old too (& am a teacher), my son is very limited with the tablet and usually I encourage all other toys first. just my opinion.  

Answer 5

4 yr olds shouldn’t have iPads. Period.  

Comments

@steapsin yep!  

Answer 6

Sounds like serious addiction to electronics. Take away all of them and get him outside or in a class of some sort with peers his own age.  

Answer 7

Honestly just take the devices away. Too much exposure rewires their brain. My son would turn aggressive and whiny at that age. Limit all screens and you will see a change but it requires a committed effort from mom/dad and also anyone else raising him.  

Answer 8

1, 2, 3 Magic was a lifesaver for me when my son way 4. Good luck hon, your a great mom and doing the right thing.  

Answer 9

I would personally set time limits in parental controls have it to where games do not automatically download needs to ask permission for it to download and say well if we download this new one you have to get rid of a old one now. My daughter is 12 and her iPad is her everything but she is not your typical kid that can do normal kid things. But I do have it set up to ask to download/purchase anything. After a certain time daily only educational games are aloud.  

Answer 10

Find the root cause first. electronics, sleep, diet, need for additional movement, sensory needs.  

Answer 11

I think, first is to cut his screen time. My son become impatient and snappy when he spent a lot of time playing games ans watching YouTube. He is more human with less screen time.  

Answer 12

4 is too young to be “obsessed” and have emotional dysregulation while using electronics. He is demonstrating to you that he is incapable of responsible use, so this is where ‘parenting’ comes in to play: the electronic item is not a right, it is an earned privilege. He does not automatically get to have it, he gets to either earn it or get it for a limited period of time (30 minutes) per day. When he uses it, he has to use it responsibly. Keep the rules simple, like no bad words or crabby attitude. but most importantly ENFORCE THEM. At the first sign of a meltdown, it’s done. He will throw a fit. He will “hate you”. Do not give in. Take it away for the day (the rest of the week, etc).  

Comments

@adjourn  

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@adjourn yes!  

Answer 13

Send him outside to play and don’t under any circumstances laugh at his bad behavior. It won’t be cute soon enough.  

Comments

@secondclass it’s not cute at any age. A four year old cursing? I’d wash his mouth with soap, spank his bottom and take all electronics away. He’s doing that because he is so overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to handle it.  

Answer 14

He should only have 30 min of screen time a day.  

Answer 15

I sent a PM :-)

Answer 16

Normal 4yo behavior. Take the iPad and go outside. They buy iTunes because the pop adds are designed to catch attention not because they want to. Hyper needs physical activity, lack of patients is 100% age appropriate and stems from lacking communication skills also age appropriate. All games are designed to stimulate the pleasure and reward areas of the brain so they are very addictive. Your boy is fine just needs more Physical activity and less screen time. The bad words are learned and there is no judgment here my kids are 23, 21, 18, 15, and 6. I learned long ago the best solution to bad words is not only to minimize exposure but to react disappointed when he does hear them and remind him we don’t talk like that.  

Comments

@paternal Cursing and temper tantrum‘s are not a normal four-year-old’s behavior. He may be a four-year-old who isn’t disciplined but a normal four-year-old does not curse when he doesn’t get his way.  

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Cursing is learned, not normal but stems from lacking communication skills and exposure. Temper tantrums are absolutely very common/normal/developmentally appropriate 4 year old reaction when they don’t get their way, are tired, overly frustrated, etc. However, this is also the age appropriate time to teach a 4 year old more effective social skills when experiencing strong emotion. Clearly, you are a stellar mom who has as much experience as I do and knows such skills are much easier to teach and learn from a much younger age but this mom is past that. I learned this with my first but I get what you are saying. I should have said common behavior rather than normal behavior. Either way the solution is quit exposing him to cussing, get rid of the screen and a get outside with a lot more quality time.  

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I totally agree 100% with your solution. I know how hard it is to deal with this. No one likes seeing their child crying and upset. So it’s easier ( NOW) to let him have his screen time, but in the long run if she sticks to what would be best for him (which is no screen time) she will be much happier and remember that it was a decision well-made! ❤️

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@isotonic6 I am right there with you! Sadly, this is only true while they are young and it is a short term reprieve because by the end of elementary school kids are primarily communicating electronically and banning screens at this point effectively bans them from making friends. It is extremely important for social skills to be strong before allowing screen time because it has become such an integrated part of daily life. It seems logical (and true) to say that you don’t need friends who are on electronics this much anyway but playing outdoors alone is so much more restrictive than in past decades that it has lost the strong sense of adventure and independence that intrigued kids of previous generations but they have found that adventure and independence hanging out with friends in video games. It’s wrong it’s sad it shouldn’t be this way but it is.  

Answer 17

Uhhh take it away. Parenting is a verb.  

Comments

@servomechanical9490 that’s AWESOME!  

Answer 18

He is 4 which means you have control. Don't give him the ipad or phone. If you don't follow through now and set boundaries it will only get harder as he ages. A little stress now will save you a lot of stress later. Good luck. As for the bad words, he must be hearing it from somewhere as it's not a normal vocabulary for a 4 year old. Maybe limit exposure to the bad words.  

Answer 19

I agree with everyone. Put a set time limit and time frame he can use the iPad and u would cut it down alot. Also with the tantrums and swearing everytime he has one put him in the corner or his room let him scream and cry it out but when you put him in timeout tell him why it's happening and you will talk to him when he calms down. Then after explain again why. You will prolly have to do this quite a few times but stay with it and dont cave in then he will realize he doesn't want to be punished he will stop it.  

Answer 20

At this age I did an iPad detox with my son. That instant gratification, and what they are watching changes them! What I did to keep him happy was create structure around his day. Before preschool, we do breakfast and a easy creative task, like coloring. When we get home we have lunch, go over his school work and watch music videos on the tv. Dance and have fun. I give a choice to him to clean up with me or play by himself after. He usually plays. lol Then we do a physical activity at home. 3 days a week he does martial arts. Dinner, bath, sleep repeat. I let my son know what to expect. I like to know what’s going on. He’s the same way. Wipeable activity books, coloring, anything educational in fun ways has been helpful! The tantrums will go away after the technology addiction is gone. For the bad words, make it clear that those are mommy daddy words. Not for kids.  

Answer 21

As a former teacher and childcare professional of over 20 years, I would say that he is likely addicted to electronics. It is documented well in research that these are the types of behaviors occur due to this. No electronics for xx amount of time. There was recently a story about a lady who took away her kids electronics and it transformed her family. I will see if I can find it and post it for you. At the beginning, it may be really difficult for all parties but if you stick with it. It could transform your family!  

Comments

Nature and being outdoors is very healing. Obviously winter makes it difficult here but anytime the temp is decent, a simple walk around the neighborhood could do big things!  

Answer 22

I just want clarification: is he actually able to buy games in ITunes? If so, that is definitely a bad idea. He is too young to be able to purchase his own games, and too much screen time is bad for his developing mind. Instant gratification ( such as downloading games immediately and not sticking with them) will not teach him patience, which is an essential social skill, or perseverance, or internal impulse control. Take away the phone and iPad. It seems overwhelming, but remember you are the parent and he is only 4. You are shaping him to become an adult, which means you have the responsibility of setting boundaries he is not going to like. Which I hope the rest of the family is supporting you.  

Answer 23

We’ve been there. We now have rules for times electronics can be used, how long, and what my oldest can play. You have to start with a a complete “detox” from electronics though. That means no tablet, no shows, no phone, nothing. It’s going to be really hard at first and you’ll have to learn to redirect and find other ways of entertainment. My oldest has sensory issues and would get her tablet during meltdowns. Eventually it just lead to more meltdowns though. We homeschool, shes now allowed to play her tablet for a bit after 4:30. During the day she has to focus on schoolwork or spending quality time with us. When you’re ready to reintroduce electronics, I suggest checking out the learning tablets from the library, instead of giving him access to a personal one.  

Answer 24

Take the electronics away. Go outside and play with other kids.  

Answer 25

Make him do something to earn the privilege of using iPad. Or get his own tablet and have a password so he can’t just take it . they have educational games he could play. Limit time, too. Set him down and give him rules. ❤️. Make a chart so he can see progress points to use iPad. Give him choices. #1. Or #2.  

Answer 26

Look into red dye consumption. It makes my 5 year old bounce off the walls. Hes much calmer when I make sure he has nothing with red dye in it. Electronics need to be removed as well.