+81 votes
by (1.2k points)
How do I financially prepare for a possible divorce?  
How do I financially prepare for a possible divorce?

49 Answers

+10 votes
by (1.2k points)
 
Best answer
We have always kept our finances separate and split the bills but I make a smidge more than him. I carry the insurance. We own our home together. I have 401k and he does not. He has a drinking problem. I dont know if our kids would be safe alone with him. But I dont know how to prove it. But he left his F@harrelson26 open tonight when I went to get on our laptop. And the first thing that just pops out at me is a message to a girl saying that he would divorce me tomorrow if she would agree to sleep with him. And message after message begging her and saying some not great things about me. Luckily she told him no but the damage is done and I dont know if there are others. So now I have to make some tough decisions and I think prepare for him to initiate it or me. I just dont want to end up on the streets with the kids. Obviously a lawyer is the place to start probably. Just looking for real life tips from other women. Thank you guys ❤
by (760 points)
@villareal if you found one, there will be more similar messages in the future or in the past.  
by (2.4k points)
@villareal I would really not let him know I knew any of this. I would act completely fine to his face and be hustle n like crazy. Save your money and don’t let him around the kids unless u are with him. Maybe someone can watch them while you work and do errands or take them with you when you can. I feel like if he is saying that crap he is liable to wipe out your money if he feels a threat. Also take photos of everything and anything expensive or you want to keep. Move your money like savings into a lock box at the bank with only your name on it. Serve him papers after you change the locks and your monetary goal has been met.  
by (2.4k points)
@villareal Also move copies of social security cards even his to the lock box, marriage certificates, deeds, titles you name it. Get security cameras for your house.  
by (5.2k points)
@villareal i found some bad news tonight, too. i’m very sorry, i relate.  
by (3.3k points)
@villareal good job on snapping the screenshots. You'll be well rid of him. I had one similar to yours. He's so stupid that he opened up a bazillion F@harrelson26 pages (probably in a drunken stupor all the time) and some of them (to me) should be prosecutible. Junk. Good luck to you.  
+55 votes
by (550 points)
Get a solid and positive support system in place. ❤️
+11 votes
by (1.9k points)
Start with an emergency fund, consider your current financial situation. Get a support system. However, until you've exhausted all options think about how you guys can save your marriage. Pray about it
+1 vote
by (3.2k points)
❤️ no advice, but I'm also preparing myself. I just found out he gets half of my pension during the years I contributed, I'll have to give him alimony for half the amount of years we were married. I took a break after finding that out
by (2.6k points)
@marks I thought it was one year for every 3 years of marriage? Maybe it’s different in each state though. I’m in PA.  
by (3.2k points)
@rosendorosene I'm in California, maybe that's why. I also sponsored his immigration, so I'm financially responsible for him until he gets his American citizenship which he has no interest in obtaining, he's German and that citizenship is better. I'm screwed
by (300 points)
@marks it sounds like you need a better lawyer, wow, sorry you’re going through that
by (1.2k points)
@marks I am seriously praying for you. I had a good friend do this as well with her ex husband and she still has to take care of him for the next 5 years!  
by (3.2k points)
@appetitive noooooooooooooo  
0 votes
by (350 points)
Seek out professional advice. Get your ducks in a row.  
+13 votes
by (560 points)
Its hard. But a bit of advice. if you have joint accts, pull your money out and secure in your own name. My ex did me dirty and wiped out our acct and left me penniless with a young child. He got to the money before I even had time to process what was happening! Lean on family & friends who are truly there for you. Look into resources available for single moms. I was lucky my parents helped me alot. Good luck & you will be okay. It only builds your strength to become successful in the future ❤
by (810 points)
Whoops I meant to tag the OP
by (560 points)
@ahriman smart lady ❤
by (370 points)
@ahriman freaking brilliant! What a smart woman.  
by (560 points)
@waggish true. In my case. i didn't move fast enough and he ended up with the money. It didn't matter in court, he made the withdraw before any legal docs were submitted. I tried to fight that part and didn't win. BUT. We had a joint credit card still. I racked up that card to the max to buy diapers, food, clothes, toys for our son, nothing for me. My ex tried to fight me in court about the cc charges, but he lost. Since he was the primary cardholder, he was responsible  so he had to pay that. Which is more than the money he took out  I had a really awesome lawyer. She did great for me & my son.  
by (1.2k points)
@ahriman this is genius lol
+10 votes
by (1.1k points)
Start saving like crazy, do research on what your bills will be living by yourself and what you can afford. I’m sorry you’re going through this.  
+65 votes
by (480 points)
Consult with an attorney. Depending on your income, you may qualify for legal aid. If your concern is going from 2 incomes to one, you may be entitled to spousal support in the interim and sometimes after your judgment has been granted. If there are minor children, you will likely be able to receive support for them as well.  
+63 votes
by (2.1k points)
I am bias. at the end of the day, remember it is just money, and money can’t buy your happiness. I walked away penniless, and would do it a million times over for where I am now.  
by (1k points)
@maiden7 100% I did the same thing
by (820 points)
@maiden7 me too. %100 worth it.  
by (390 points)
@maiden7 me too. It was a struggle but 100% worth it.  
by (640 points)
@maiden7 love you Tab. You are a strong woman!  
+16 votes
by (1.3k points)
Just my opinion, you will never be prepared for a divorce no matter what because it’s such a big step to do. I can tell you that me and my husband has been married 30 years as of March and I was finally ready to get a divorce last year when he did a 180 on me. I demanded respect and no more excuses why he couldn’t give that to me and after our long conversation I can say that our marriage has never been better. It has been a work in progress but everything takes some work. If you are set on getting a divorce check with an attorney. matter of fact several of them. Every state is different on what you can get and what you have to give. In my state (Louisiana) he is required to give me half of everything including his 401k and Roth accounts. Do not hide money in banks because if he or you was smart either of you should hire a forensic accountant to find out where all of the money went. As for the children most of the time it’s the person that gets paid more is required to pay child support. Try not to go to court because you will spend thousands on lawyers to fight when you both should sit down and have a conversation on what is best for the children and your financial situation. Courts are never good when children are involved unless 100% necessarily. I would tell him look (his name) I think it’s best that we separated for a while in order to figure out what we want for our life and if we decided divorce is our choice let’s try to do this as a whole for our children and not let them get dragged through the mud because of our relationship that went sour. At the end of the day you will always be part of my life because of our children and we can make this easy or hard and I would like to make it an easy transition for all of us. I know this is something has caught you off guard and I understand you may need time to think about this and I am willing to give that to you but I would like it if you can go stay at so and sos place or maybe if you have another room he could stay in there. Just remember you have kids to consider and they should be your first priority no matter what. I wish you nothing but the best and good luck.  
+19 votes
by (580 points)
Get enough for a down payment and first month's rent. Create your own budget. Figure out transportation for your job. Divorces can turn really ugly. and money is way too controlling. Pull money out of cash back at stores if you can. not sure during this time. I would file first and get a temp order to figure out how to either move or get him out before he starts making moves. But our lease was up and I had him help with a down payment and 1st month's rent and I got both the cars since one was unreliable and the other didn't seat enough. so I was able to trade it in for a van. & temp orders also help for him taking expensive items. All that can be sorted a bit later. Be thorough and fair but take care of the children first!  
+31 votes
by (570 points)
Secure all financial documents, proof of his income, joint assets, your contributions, etc. Get legal advice and save for legal costs. Be aware it can turn nasty. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst case scenario.  
by (3.3k points)
@lingerie and close any credit cards in both names so he can’t rack them up
by (570 points)
@rucksack I could also add, issue new cards you have in your own name, in case he knows numbers/ expiery dates, etc.  
+48 votes
by (8.8k points)
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I went through something similar along with discovering he was on dating sites. I immediately started selling everything I could part with; purses, clothes, perfume etc at a local consignment shop that paid cash upfront and through Facebook marketplace and saved that money in a hidden spot. And, every time I went grocery shopping, I would add a gift card to Target or the grocery store to the tab or would do cash back so I had an emergency stash for food or clothes once I was on my own. It isn’t easy. Ultimately I left in the middle of winter and drove from VA to FL with my 2 kids, clothes, a tv for them and a few toys and that was it! We started over with literally nothing and through that I healed. Not having anything to connect me to my marriage, I was able to move forward. I wish you strength and healing. You deserve better❤️ ((hugs))
by (1.2k points)
@hamrnand20 thank you for your tips. I wonder if we can sell things through fb right now with the self isolation rules. I guess I could try Ebay.  
by (8.8k points)
@villareal right now Marketplace will be a challenge for sure, but I currently have great luck with Mercari. I feel like its better then Ebay because they offer cheap shipping options which is more attractive to buyers
by (8.8k points)
Best to you
by (2.4k points)
@villareal do porch Pick-up where they get the item and put the money in the mailbox
by (1.4k points)
@villareal Mercari, eBay, and porch pick up (they can Venmo u the money)
by (8.8k points)
My friend just told me she is doing trunk pick ups. She meets the buyer at a Target or Walmart parking lot, she opens the trunk and steps aside while the person inspects the item and then the buyer sends her the money through Zelle and they part ways.  
+78 votes
by (5k points)
I stashed away cash then got him off of my account. But in the end it was mutual and that made all the difference through the struggle of paperwork.  
+10 votes
by (1k points)
Take time to set a plan. I just went through one and bought a house. If you need to talk, PM me!  
+21 votes
by (570 points)
Consult with an attorney so you know your rights, secure any money you can get your hands on, prepare for life on one income, have a plan before you start proceedings and pay off as much debt as you possibly can beforehand. If you do not have a credit card in your name, get one for financial emergencies and make sure your name is off of his credit card or you will be liable for any debt he incurs later on. Do not trust him and assume he will be fair to you or the children and do not be a doormat!  
+32 votes
by (5.5k points)
From experience, my ex was abusive and used money mercilessly. I went to my job and had them deposit 40% of my paycheck into a different account. Just told him I was demoted at work hence the less money on my paycheck. It took me about a year to get enough money. In that time I was keeping receipts of every single thing I paid for or he used “my money” to go out with other girls. Had my apartment send a phoney eviction notice when the lease was up (it was in my name). Sold everything while he just left me when the notice was delivered. Moved 1000 miles away and he never knew what I did. 2yrs later, I called him to ask him to sign divorce papers and he happily did so thinking I’m struggling. He even signed the waiver that he be not present and whatever judgment was made, he was ok with. We didn’t have anything anyway. I don’t know your situation but I would not leave without a plan especially if you have kids. Devise a plan then go.  
by (2.4k points)
@bragi32255 smart lady!  
+14 votes
by (1.3k points)
You better prepare mentally because that is the only way to prepare financially. ‍♀️‍♀️ Your mind will get you first and then your finances. Hire a damn good lawyer and a damn good therapist to start.  
+53 votes
by (9.2k points)
Start saving as much as you can, cut back on your expenses and interview counsel, be sure to get one you’re comfortable with
+16 votes
by (2.2k points)
Try to also separate what you can. cell phone from family account, car insurance etc
+12 votes
by (870 points)
All of this is such good advice. If you are facing court hearings - Your attorney can make or break your situation. I fired 3 before finding the one that won my cases. Don’t take no for an answer - not even a judge. Just have the mindset and say “I’ll be back”. I kept coming back until I was heard and won the 5th time around. It was worth every dime, every hearing, and every attorney firing.  
+30 votes
by (3.5k points)
Separate accounts start putting all your money in there Pay off debt Don't let the divorce cost tons of money - go to an attorney with a proposed split of everything Look where you want to live and make a budget for that Document, document, document If you have children look up your state child custody rules and support rules.  
+19 votes
by (1.3k points)
I will be sending you some good energy and positive vibes. I can only imagine the stress you could be going through with a divorce.  
+74 votes
by (1.1k points)
Make sure you have all your assists under name. If you have life insurance, 401k, IRA, savings, HSA and any other money accounts make sure the beneficiary isn’t them. My ex tried to drain me dry. He wanted all my assets and he wanted me to take all his credit card debt. But I was smart and knew he was cheating so I quick changed everything a month be he filed. He was pissed cause I had my own accounts and my beneficiaries changed to my mom and sister. He couldn’t touch my 401k cause I looked up my balance the day before we got married and compared my balance to then and it was less cause of the stock market so he wasn’t allowed any money. He got away with my truck that was under my name cause took his car to the junkyard so I had to give up one of my vehicles. And the realtor was on my side and made sure that he didn’t get much money for the house. $60  I hope the women were worth it. Stay strong! You have great people here to support you during this time.  
+78 votes
by (4.4k points)
Put $1200 up if it’ll be uncontested
+78 votes
by (3.2k points)
Slowly save money kept at a undisclosed area. Like a friends house. If you keep it in a bank account it becomes marital funds.  
by (1.2k points)
@byebye4217 so should I remove money from my bank acct that he isnt on? Or would that be found or suspicious
by (3.2k points)
@villareal if you normally take some out of that account and stay within what's normal. You don't want anything to draw a red flag
by (1.2k points)
@byebye4217 k. I was just thinking of our stimulus check. We decided to split it. So I transferred half to his acct and I have the rest. Originally I was saving it to pay off some debt cut was waiting for corona to be over.  
by (1.6k points)
@byebye4217 really? Even if he doesn’t put anything towards it? We split everything 50/50 and never have put our money together
by (3.2k points)
@angloamerican0 Danielle talk to a lawyer. Your state may be different. And alot depends on if he's going to fight for half of everything
+58 votes
by (560 points)
I started donating plasma and saved every penny of that. Along with saving money from each paycheck. Any extra money I could make from side jobs, or selling things.  
by (560 points)
Also, every time you get groceries or anything at a store get $20 out at checkout
+12 votes
by (4.2k points)
Save money in CASH!  
by (290 points)
This! Cash is king!  
+17 votes
by (2.1k points)
Lots of great advice here. Definitely consult a lawyer and don’t tell him that you are planning this until the plan is in place. You want to make sure you come out in the best position and if he knows, he could pull something.  
+24 votes
by (3.6k points)
Consult with an attorney and secure your assets. Document everything. Buy gift cards to the grocery store or gas station so you have something set aside for the first few months. Most importantly, seek counseling for your mental health. Separation is so mentally draining.  
+51 votes
by (2.9k points)
Seperate accts at a different bank is good. but also hide cash. As they pull ur credit showing all bank accts and depending if community property state or not. Those accts would b halved. If u get direct deposit, stop it in the one and put it in the new one. I use to work at a bank and I don't know how many times seen the spouse get there b4 the other and drain the acct.  
+67 votes
by (17k points)
I have been divorced twice. First divorce, I initiated because it was a horrible (can’t even describe). he was going through money like it was water. First step, I emptied the account (all my money, he wasn’t contributing anything to it) and started my own account at a different bank. I spoke and worked with an attorney, paid my retainer fee, started a list of my assets, bills, etc and figured out what I could afford, spoke to my parents at the time to let them know because my son was really little (2/3 yrs old). Spoke to a realtor about sale of home and what that would look like and financially. Then told my ex I was filing . Second ex and I amicably divorced and just made a list of who was keeping what (stuff and bills wise), he moved out and divorce was final (we used same lawyer and each just paid half). I did not lose any of my retirement etc. first house I kept half proceeds of sale and he kept half. Second ex moved into a home I owned and didn’t get any part of it (and I still live in it). Be smart and think about yourself. And making sure you do well through it.  
+3 votes
by (1.9k points)
Document everything! Lots of pictures. Lots of proof. Print out the conversation with the girl and save it. You may need that for intent later. And since I'm not a lawyer, I'm some nobody, I can tell you this because a lawyer "shouldn't". Save up some money and stuff it in a mattress. Then make sure you get that mattress. If you save anything in a bank account, the divorce court will give him half. Also, anything in your 401k, they will give him half. As far as kids go, if you are afraid of leaving them with soon to be exhubby, document everything. If you come home from work and someone has a bruise, snap a pic. Unfortunately, in most cases the courts like to split custody. You will definitely be co-parenting with him for the rest of your life. Prepare for that. When you divorce, they usually split everything down the middle. You get half of his 401k, he gets half of yours. If he doesn't have one, he just gets half of yours. Debt is split evenly also. Prepare that although the court may say you both have to pay half of a debt, he may not pay, and your credit will suffer. This happened to my mom. Good luck. Do some research and get a real kick ass lawyer.  
+8 votes
by (1.2k points)
Start saving as much as you can and put it in an account with your own name. Pay off any debts that are just in your name. Check on the value of your assets and document the change in their value from the marriage till now (or divorce). Find paperwork for all you finances. Read up on how your state divides assets (community property or equitable property) in a divorce and make a plan for what assets you want from the marriage. See if your County provides free legal help to get you started. Good luck, be strong.  
by (1.9k points)
@arthritis if she puts saved money in an account, started during her marriage, the court will make her give him half. That why everyone is saying to keep it in cash or gift cards.  
by (1.2k points)
You’re probably right, I was able to retain all my savings as it was in a separate account, but I was probably really lucky.  
by (1.9k points)
I think a lot depends on the state rules, how long you are separated before filing, amounts in savings and assets/debts you have. That is why the very best thing you can do is go see a lawyer so you know what you can and can't do. You want to protect what you are entitled to.  
by (1.2k points)
@exoenzyme8 for sure
+15 votes
by (2.8k points)
Get online savings and start hiding money, pay off debt, and get those important documents together birth certificate, passports, medical records, school records, etc
+25 votes
by (890 points)
Great advice from the other ladies. I have also bought a ton of gift cards. Some for food, Amazon, Walmart, oil changes, etc.  
+78 votes
by (14.4k points)
I left my cheating alcoholic drug abusing first husband after seven years of marriage. Rented an apartment with money I borrowed from my dad and filed for divorce using an attorney friend of the family who agreed to take payments. I did everything wrong, didn’t document anything, didn’t take anything with me but clothes and a few personal things, didn’t take any pictures of the condition of the house, the cars, all the tools, etc. He sold stuff from the house, moved tools to one of his relatives, didn’t respond to the summons, hid from the process server multiple times, moved his girlfriend and some others into our home, and I spent nineteen months trying to get the divorce final and walked away with much, much less than I was entitled to. The same thing happened to my husband with his first marriage (also to an alcoholic cheater). In the end, the person who wants out the most seems to settle for the least, at least in our cases. If I had prepared I would have separate accounts, copies of all documents, paid off or separate credit, a reliable paid off car of my own, and I definitely would have convinced him to sell the house while we were still married and then divide up the proceeds. As it was, he ended up with the house because he refused to move out, trashed it partying with his roommates and various animals, wouldn’t show it even when listed, and I finally gave up and accepted his low ball buyout offer. Karma got him, though. Three years later his new wife (who got a divorce so she could marry him), found him cheating, kicked him out and she kept the house.  
+56 votes
by (600 points)
Do you have an EAP with your employer? This helped me get a good lawyer at a discounted rate. And she let me do a payment plan. I also agree with buying gift cards. They will definitely come in handy later. Definitely find out what debt he may have that you dont know about. A friend of mine had opened a savings account in her child's name to help stash money that her husband didnt know about.  
+54 votes
by (3.7k points)
Open an account for money that is just yours.  
+46 votes
by (6.7k points)
Find someone you can trust with your money (mom?, sister? ) and open a joint account with them. This cannot be considered as shared with your spouse and gives you a place to stash as much money as possible. Start selling off items in your home that you wouldn’t take with you or wouldn’t keep if you moved. It’ll allow you to increase your savings and it’s less stuff to deal with later. If you don’t already have an income, get a job. If it’s not enough money, enroll in school as well. Get yourself as financially set as possible before you actually file for divorce. As long as you’re not being abused, it may be worth putting up with unhappiness while you get your financial life in order. There are educational programs like LPN that take a year or less and provide a living wage immediately upon hire.  
+7 votes
by (540 points)
Start separating finances and bills
+46 votes
by (2.8k points)
Research your state laws. If it's a 50/50 state putting money aside might not matter. Get an attorney in your corner ASAP
+23 votes
by (3.2k points)
I’ve never been through a divorce but I’ve seen a lot of my clients go through divorce and their credit gets ruined by the Ex. If u have any credit cards in both your names u can always remove yourself from any if u are an authorized user by law. i understand if u want the debt to be part of the divorce not to do this just yet but if u have same amount of debt and u are able to cut in half by removing your self from some of his cards and then removing him from cards that u applied for original then i’d do it because nothing sucks more than restarting your life with low credit. not sure if this is priority at this point in time in the situation but i strongly suggest u at least pull your credit to see what would be affected in the divorce process and get a plan going.  
+71 votes
by (2.2k points)
A good lawyer and get your finances in order. Figure out where children will go when you work ( if you haven't already). I would have to sit a think more to let you know. I went through one 9 years ago and I was 24. I didnt have a dime because I was a SAHM. It was scary
by (5.7k points)
How did you do it? Could you maybe PM me? Or here, here is fine too. I don't know how people do it without a starting income. Respect to you.  
+7 votes
by (5.9k points)
I started having money deposited in an account with my mom in another state. The statements were sent to her. I got a lawyer and decided a plan. It took me 6 months to get my plan together and save enough money. Once I did, I let him have the condo, I got an apartment, and the rest is history On the mental side, it was rough. I had many days and nights questioning if I did the right thing. I leaned on my friends and family and made it through it.  
+7 votes
by (2.6k points)
I’m really sorry that you are about to go through this. It’s hard and it sucks. Make sure to mourn it, even if it’s something that needs to happen. Be okay feeling the feelings. As far as preparing financially, if it’s an abusive situation, use a card if you have to. if not, try to save, but if saving is going to hurt the mental state of your kids (you two yelling constantly or getting physical) use a card.  
+77 votes
by (510 points)
You need to put money aside for you and your family money the other person don’t know about !  
+44 votes
by (550 points)
I am not sure why or if it’s different in each state but I was told it’s best to be the one to file for divorce.  
+16 votes
by (1.2k points)
Sorry your going through this! It must be so difficult and devastating! I believe you all were in love once and you married for a reason! Spend your money fighting for that. get counseling, seek help, find friends that will support that! Of course I know this only works when both people are willing, and I also understand there are situations that do NOT warrant fixing the problems! Just know I’m praying for you that it will all work out! ❤️
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