Question

I need some advice.  I have a friend who has been struggling financially for a couple of years (probably longer if I had to guess).I need some advice. I have a friend who has been struggling financially for a couple of years (probably longer if I had to guess). She had a vehicle repossessed December 2018, got evicted over the summer of 2019, about to get evicted again. We do not live in the same state, but this is one of my life-long friends who I consider family. She and her husband have 3 kids. They both work. I CANNOT get her to write down her numbers. I have offered to do everything but put my paycheck in her account. At this point I don't think money is the real problem. I know she is ashamed and embarrassed. How do I help her?  

Answer 1

We absolutely do not loan people money. Ever. No worries about that.  

Answer 2

You can maybe gift her the BBP workbook but from the sounds of it, not much more. She will have to learn. With 2 evictions & a repo already under her belt, she probably needs a therapist or someone because there is a deep root cause for these habits.  

Comments

I've given her a ton of tools.  

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@banausic58412 then at this point, leave her with “I’m here if and when you’re ready for help” and let her be.  

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If you've given tools and they are falling on deaf ears she either needs help like a therapist as @hellbox395 suggested or husband is doing the spending and shes tried to have him understand the depth of these issues.  

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I am concerned that something is going on that I'm not privy to like gambling, addiction, etc.  

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@banausic58412 it could be very likely. but no one can put a stop to such behaviors except them :(

Answer 3

Just love her. Watching you might be the best thing to help her when she's ready.  

Comments

Adding to this, share your successes, praise this group and other financial groups or books or resources that have helped you on your journey

Answer 4

You can lead a horse to water. She has to want it for herself as bad as you want it for her.  

Answer 5

Sounds like the husband needs some hard lessons to learn. Wife and kids need to move back to wife’s parents and let the husband deal with the second eviction and fallout.  

Answer 6

Maybe show her your numbers and your habits and how you benefit. Don’t make it about her. Don’t make her share her numbers right away. Just demonstrate what this is doing for you and hopefully she will want to follow suit.  

Answer 7

You can't help her. She HAS to want the help and clearly she doesn't want it from you. Maybe both of them haven't hit rock bottom yet?!  

Comments

Jeez, can you imagine? What does rock bottom look like if not coming home to all of your possessions in a pile in the parking lot?!?  

Answer 8

Unfortunately, at this point I don't think you can. Tough love is gonna suck, but we all have to fall to figure our way up.  

Answer 9

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like income is their issue. More so, where the money is being spent. If money isn’t going towards bills, it has to be going somewhere.  

Answer 10

Your heart is in the right place but helping someone who does not want to help themselves is an exercise in futility, especially an adult. Some get a thrill living on the edge, especially when someone will bail them out every time. Love her from a distance until she is ready and willing to change.  

Answer 11

People need to want help and need to take the steps to get it. It sounds like you want to help her more than she wants help. Be there in case she ever wants to try.  

Answer 12

It’s hard to see someone struggle financially but I say money doesn’t usually fix money problems. Lots of behavior changes need to occur to fix bad financial habits. Be there to support her when she’s ready. You’re a good friend!  

Answer 13

If she isn't willing to let you help then all you can do is listen to her vent when she needs it. She's got two incomes (a lot of us are single moms with 1 income and do just fine) so her family should be able to at a minimum pay their rent. She doesn't want to show you her numbers, maybe they have a substance abuse, gambling or shopping addiction and isn't ready to admit that to you.  

Answer 14

Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom hard before they will accept help. Pride is a strong motivator.  

Answer 15

You can’t help her she has to want to help herself

Answer 16

Loaning money is the quickest way to lose a friend. When money enters the picture, friendships go by the wayside. You can't really help her unless she's ready to be helped and is asking for your advice. THEN, I'd recommend The Budget Mom to her. if you want to, you could order the Paycheck Workbook as a gift to get her started. We all have to decide for ourselves when and if we're ready to change our spending habits.  

Answer 17

You don’t. She has to want to make the change. Be her friend and let her figure it out and come to you when and if she’s ready.  

Answer 18

You can't. Just pray

Answer 19

You can't help someone who doesn't want help.