Question

There was a family celebration. fell off the wagon. I KNOW when I’m making bad choices but boyfriend saying, “You’re not supposed to be eating ______________ “ didn’t help, and my mom, Gosh, my mom, saying, “You don’t need to eat that, ” while staring me down like a Death Valley Vulture. I just shoved my plate towards my boyfriend, who happily consumed it, while I kind of sat there seething. I know they mean well, but those comments make me angry. Why do people feel the need to do a play by play of my meals? My mom, especially. Thanksgiving before last, I went for seconds on mashed potatoes. Right at the table, in front of the whole family she says, “You don’t need any more! ” I’d understand had I ate half a turkey, and had created a potato shortage that was sure to cause famine, but dang! Does anyone else have issues with others giving helpful “advice”?  

Answer 1

It’s rude and inappropriate for anyone to comment in this vein. Perhaps they don’t know, and you may have to inform them. Tell them you will no longer tolerate comments about what you eat, when, how much, etc. and if it continues you will no longer eat with them. If they forget, give one simple reminder - your comments are not helpful - and if it continues, leave. If they get defensive and try to justify that they are just trying to be supportive, helpful, etc remind them it isn’t helpful, and continue to leave when it happens. Some people don’t know any better so give them the opportunity to try and if they still don’t get it protect yourself and stick to your boundaries. No matter how it’s intended it’s abusive behavior and you have the power to protect yourself. I’m sorry they have treated you this way, what you are doing is hard work and I hope you find the strength and encouragement within yourself to stay motivated because you matter and you can do it regardless of what they think or the messages they send, and keep leaning on this community of like minded people with so much advice, recipes, encouragement and inspiration to fill you up.  

Comments

@joy47 Thank you for your kind, positive words.  

Answer 2

@tenailleryone has setbacks it’s understandable. I have had one for over a year now with 30 pounds packed back on . I think your family is just trying to be supportive in the only way they can . this is about you though not them . but if people are saying dumb shit and it is going to trigger you . you need to get ahold of those feelings and why they trigger you so bad that you need to eat more and sabotage yourself . I heard a saying “Obesity is not the problem it’s the solution “ Wow, I thought ! What a quote ! Just something to think about . You got this ! Get back on that wagon girl !  

Answer 3

I think I'd have a talk with my loved ones. individually and let them know how their comments make you feel. And give them some suggestions of what they can do to actually help you rather than to make you defensive. I can so understand where you're coming from. but don't give them that much power over you. In the end it really only hurts you when you give up and get off track. You can do this. There are a lot of us rooting for you! Think ahead to where you want to be in six months. The six months will pass either way and you can either be farther from your goal or closer depending on your choices and mindset. @tenailleryone here has been in your shoes so we understand the struggle. Prayers and hugs.  

Answer 4

Ouuuu what a treat! This is a great opportunity to remind them to worry about themselves and f off

Comments

@tenaille Hahahahahaha! Love it!  

Answer 5

My mother sizeshames me a lot. It’s very hurtful and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I stopped eating in front of her.  

Comments

@oversight Oh, and whenever I’m visiting, and come into the living room with food: “What are you eating? ” Not to mention the unsubtle elevator eyes.  

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@fallon3509 yep. My mom would look at me with this disapproving expression. Such garbage.  

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@fallon3509 oh but if I mention whatever eating regime I’m trying, she criticizes it. For IPA she says “that’s a starvation program. You don’t need that”.  

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@oversight My sister ( who is also overweight) has done the same. I was excited about my progress, and after telling her she said it had too much sodium and wasn’t healthy, blah, blah, blah. and after I had surgery she tried to convince me to go off it.  

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@fallon3509 sigh. Families are hard. You stay strong!  

Answer 6

This is a perfect example of why I never let anyone know about my weight loss. I even get stared at and questions when I’m eating healthy, like, “Eeewww what is that? You eat the weirdest things. ”

Answer 7

I was skinny when growing up but my grandmother, my mother, then my brothers because they learned it from them “thunder thighs” “you shouldn’t eat that” . family is the worse!  

Answer 8

Just as bad when people say oh one bite won’t hurt you or it’s the holidays your birthday or Super Bowl! In their strange passive aggressive wonderful family loving way they feel they are helping you. I always feel conscious at buffets that people are looking at see that is why she is fat look what is in her plate! No I’m fat because life gets stressful and food tastes so darn good and feeling full can almost feel like a hug when your lonely. I guess at the end of it all, know you are working on you! Not just the eating part, but all of you, what brought you to this place and figuring out how not to let history repeat itself. It is hard! really hard! We are not perfect people just like everyone else. But we are trying, and that counts for a lot. You can’t change how other people are, you can only change your reactions to their comments. Maybe come up with a witty comeback, sticks and stones kind of stuff, “I know I am what what are you? ” Stick your tongue out at them! Then use their comments not to make you feel bad but to fuel your commitment, praise yourself for getting back on the bandwagon, instead of cursing yourself for falling off. You got this, it is a journey of a 1000 pounds as we gain and lose. You can do it! Proud of you for wanting to join this group for support from people who just “get it”

Answer 9

Family members don’t know how to support. Instead of being the food police they need to know WHAT would help you. and sometimes they just need to be enlightened. Ive shared with my family that helping me is slicing red peppers or cucumbers and having them available for me to easily grab. Being told what I already know is NOT helpful.  

Answer 10

I am the one who gives my husband advice. I am also the one that adheres to the meal plan. Are they making fun of you or are they trying to remind you of your goal? 2 different things entirely. No one should ever make fun of someone else! But if they are trying to remind you that you have bern doing great and you don't want to go back to the same things that got you here, I say please tell me. Would I want mashed potatoes especially this week when it hurts to chew, of course I would! But I make the decision not to do it. Your family loves you and wants you around a while.  

Answer 11

Happens to me every time if ANYONE knows im dieting or trying to eat healthy. They do mean well. BUT. BUT. it is rude if done in front of others and it makes me angry and so out of my anger and for spite I tend to just eat MORE! That's the worst thing I can do because it's not hurting them it's hurting me! I need to learn to refrain from both. the second helping or whatever it is and my reaction to the rude comment!  

Answer 12

If you're anything like me, it just makes me more determined to eat MORE! "I'll show them! " I know. pretty stupid & self-destructive.  

Answer 13

I lost 100 pounds doing IP and listened to comments the whole way from people. People don’t understand how much work it takes or the focus. Only you are responsible for what goes in your mouth. I tried to educate but I didn’t let anyone’s comment get to me. I never fell off the wagon because I’m not going to lie I hated doing it. I did fall off the life wagon when I lost focus and my old neighbor asked if i gained all my weight back. I guess 25 looked like 100. I laughed but she was right I was headed in rhe wrong direction. I’m doing IPA to get back to my goal weight. This second time has been more difficult because I told my coach I was never going to do it again. I saw the restart as a failure. I realize now it is success because I am continuing to figure out how to keep moving forward.  

Comments

@lithotrity good for you! Keep up the good work!  

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@fallon3509 good luck getting to your goal.  

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@lithotrity I’m going to get there. I’ve worked too hard not to. I had a slip yesterday, but today, drinking water and refocused and deciding on not giving anyone “fodder” for “helpful” advice.  

Answer 14

Those comments would make me angry and I used that energy to reinforce my determination to succeed. I would literally eat less than I should while thinking . 'I'll show'em' It worked!  

Answer 15

That’s why I don’t tell anyone I’m on a diet. My mom has no clue what is and isn’t in my options list. When people criticize me I tend to agree with them that I’m horrible and give up. So I stopped giving them ammunition. My husband obviously knows I’m doing a system because he sees the boxes of food. But when he asks how it works I just look down and say “I don’t know, it’s complicated. ” Now that being said, I do like having a network of support. But the way that works is I’ve asked them, if I push my plate towards them, that means to push it even farther away cause I need to stop eating. And if and when they ask should you be eating that, I say “I’ll stop eating it when you stop. Otherwise, mind your own business. ” I got myself into a similar situation as yours a while back. And I finally just told them I gave up trying to lose weight, and looked totally defeated. @tenaillen held my ground when they were like “no you were doing so good, don’t stop. ” And I’d tell them I couldn’t take everyone’s criticism so I’m just gonna stop. I totally made them feel guilty all the while I was still losing weight, still doing the diet, but they didn’t know and left me the eff alone.  

Answer 16

Food is an addiction [to most of us], and it’s even harder to control the recovery, because instead of giving the “drug” up completely, we have to learn to consume it in small healthy portions. (Imagine an Alcoholic being told they have to drink one shot . and stop! ) If you were trying to quit smoking and a loved one said “you don’t need that. ” as you were going to smoke- it wouldn’t be as personal as someone telling you you “don’t need” xyz food. I think people *mean well and say things in unhelpful ways. Also similar to other kinds of addiction, no one can make you stop until you are ready. Your recovery is 100% up to you, and nothing outside of “I’m here to support you” is going to make you stop until you want to. Slip ups happen. Onward! You got this!  

Answer 17

I have an unsupportive husband too. Supportive in the fact he wants me to lose weight but just doesn't get it. It doesn't help at all, in fact, makes this so much harder. I get the comments you say and I also get ones like "what do you mean you cant have that, that's just stupid. " Now my kids start chiming in, "mom can you actually have that" or "should you be eating that". My kids are picky (5 and 8) my husband, who is the typical meat and potatoes kind, has to have certain foods paired together (he was incredibly spoiled as a kid). I usually end up making 3 different meals. I struggle staying on plan.  

Comments

@lithea Bless your heart. you have a great deal of obstacles. stay strong for you!  

Answer 18

When I was losing weight for my wedding, my brothers and father would always say “DEVIATION” if they saw I was eating something I shouldn’t. At first it bothered me but honestly it turned into a joking way for them to help keep me on track so I could lose the weight before the deadline was up! Some people aren’t always sure of the best way to encourage. They just want to see you successful and I’m sure don’t mean to hurt your feelings.  

Answer 19

I don’t say what or why I am dieting. Back surgery next month so trying to get ready and be healthy. Also organizing my house so that whomever is my helper will be able to find things. My husband grazes all day. He does a lot of physical work so fortunate 20 lbs would be his goal. Mine is 25. Despite pain I do my best to walk a mile and do my PT exercises. I hate the chronic pain. I just pray it is gone when all is said and done.  

Answer 20

Lady, you need to develop boundaries with these people. A simple “I decide what I eat and will no longer discus this with you” is all you need to say.  

Answer 21

Thank you for bringing up a really sensitive issue. I am going to journal and think about how I want to handle similar situations. I am also reading “The Beck Diet Solution” by Judith S. Beck, Ph. D., recommended by my IP Coach. The idea in the book is to change the way you think about eating, dieting and yourself.  

Answer 22

Oh wow! It's like you're telling my story! I ADORE my mom but I can't stand it when she comments about my weight and what I should and shouldn't eat, more often than not, it drives me to eat more, she just doesn't get it and always ends up telling me "it's for your own good" she just doesn't get the idea that this is hurtful!  

Comments

@dickens26 I don't have kids so at least I'll rest assured that I won't torture them with hurtful comments like she did with me  

Answer 23

This has happened to me before. Yes it does make me angry. Then I thought why am I angry?!?!?! I had shared with everyone what my weight loss plan was and then they saw me lose control and eat what I shouldn’t. They were trying to help. They really did care. They wanted me to achieve the goal I had set. Maybe they were angry too that I had failed so many times in the past that they were tired of seeing me fail yet again. I was mad at myself because I wasn’t honoring the boundaries I had placed in my life. I was doing what I said I wouldn’t do. I’ve gone back for thirds not seconds so I know the food addiction and battle to not gorge. I feel with ipa I’ve broken the cycle and gained more control. I have situations I could easily fall off, but prevent it by having an alternate item/food that is protocol. My recent crave of the blueberry cake doughnut at church was a great example. I literally spoke to the doughnut saying I will not eat you. I now keep blueberry quest bars in the trunk of my car for every Sunday when those doughnuts want to speak to me I simply pull out my bar and don’t miss a beat. You can do this!  

Answer 24

So awful.  

Answer 25

No berating . life is a practice . one bite at a time⭐️

Answer 26

What I’m seeing here is a huge amount of support for you in place of the lack of support you have in your fam. You got this, and we got you!  

Answer 27

I guess you have to decide whether or not you want support from those around you. If you're on protocol and not supposed to be eating it, then don't, but don't get irritated when you get support from those around you.