First, thanks for listening to my ramblings. I sometimes get lost in my head and can't see things clearly and it helps to "talk it out" with people who know what I'm talking about. Here is another rambling. (sorry, it's long) I was laying in bed, trying not to sleep by thinking of random thoughts (sarcastic :) ) and it came to me. I need to be selfish. Like REALLY selfish. I've always taken satisfaction in helping other people but I've unconsciously gone over the line. Even as far as eating too many packets to avoid eating junk when I was having some bad, regressive days. The coach disapproved so instead of staying true to myself with what was working, I cared more about her and tumbled out of a good firm hold on my situation. I go to work, and what I thought was stress, was me taking care of people and not taking care of myself and feeling it deep that I couldn't help or "fix" them and the hurt of watching them suffer. Where was I in this picture? A while ago I would always look at the clock at 9:11. It was getting really creepy how many times I would do this. I didn't know what to think but being 9:11 I didn't think it was good. It actually was. I googled it and found some spiritual sites and it's actually your angels trying to send you a message. I thought it was a message about my work path but now, after months and deciding not to overthink and just allow the messages to come, it's about me. I need to take care of me. My helping others has reached its limit and now I need to help me. It kind of makes sense too because I've been feeling lousy for a long time to where the good days were few and far between, not at all like the past where the bad days were few and far between. That doesn't mean I won't be a good person, just that my efforts will completely focus on me for a while, if something is working for me I won't change it to please someone else, if I feel like I should be doing something (like finding another job right away), I'll take care in choosing it and make sure I'm not doing it for the wrong reasons. Things might be so miniscule to the naked eye but I'll have to really put thought into it if it's in MY best interest and speak up if it's not. The icing on the cake? I have an issue with my foot and haven't taken the time to pursue it (it's been going on, dr. visits, physical therapy, etc but I felt like I hit a brick wall) and this morning I woke up to an email for a complimentary consultation at my physical therapist :) And the cherry on top of that. Leaving myself open to messages I remembered that my mom always used to say "To thine self be true". I think I've finally got the message.
☰